June 6, 2018
You've left me feeling unlovable,
Now I'm pushing people away,
To be alone and isolated,
To feel more miserable,
Wishing it would all end soon,
After all the beauty,
The end result,
Simply tends to be same.
Monday, December 30, 2019
Inability
June 7, 2018
Just when you're going to,
Tell something to someone,
You hold back and let it be,
When you see them happy,
Fearing what you say,
Will take it away
Knowing that happiness,
Is something they deserve,
Your words will only take it away,
Cause words of pain,
Can change the flow,
Now I'm left alone,
Unable to talk to anyone,
Cause it'd be crime,
To take what they have,
Just cause I don't have.
Bad
The fact that I'm writing so much here means,
This is bad 😂😂
I shouldn't be writing so much,
I really wouldn't be,
I think I don't even want to,
But I don't have a choice, do I,
After all, this is all I've got,
To write and write,
Cause I can't talk to anyone,
Nor do I wanna,
Strangers reading stuff is better,
Cause I don't care,
If they judge or not,
Nobody told you to read it,
Heck I ain't even tagging anything,
To direct to to people and their attention,
I just want to keep writing,
Cuz I'm beyond full,
With these emotions that kill,
Chipping away at my life.
Bane
June 9, 2018
Feels like Bane,
Repeating his lines,
Might tottaly makes sense,
I was born in pain,
Raised and moulded by it,
I wasn't happy until,
I was devoured by pain,
You think pain is your ally,
You merely adjusted to it,
I've been so wrapped in pain,
That now I am pain itself.
Stories
June 10, 2018
Weaving glittery words,
With ability to connect,
Those invisible dots,
Screaming out stories unspoken,
Makes writing worthwhile.
Ramblings - iii
June 10, 2018
As it is, depression has been the only constant in life as of late. With minor spurs if okay moments to try to balance out things.
N then out of nowhere, Cuz of a dumbass friend, hot wheels became my happy thingy. Collecting them and having them was like pure joy, in between all this nonsense. In fact there is so much I still need but can't find at all. If anyone ever wants to help me, please do send me some hot wheels ha, also I have a list of cars I need, that I couldn't get yet. Will be super happy if you could find em and get em for me.
But I don't really expect any of you to do that anyway, so chill. I have no expectations of you and you've no obligation to do anything either. Just to make it clear.
But the thing is, since my best friend is abroad and since my friend told me some might be available just in that country, I was like super excited and told to get me those. And instead I get some lecture on how to live, earn money and blah blah. Just what I needed right? When this is probably the only thing that's keeping me happy right now. And it ended with Go kill yourself then, so guess that means I got some kinda permission to do that from my best friend na. At least, I don't need to feel bad or have conscience that I'll be hurting em too, maybe I'm actually just useless already and might be better off dead after all ha?
I guess, it seems that way. That kinda hurt and made me happy at the same time lol. Saying such things to people on the edge lol, wondeful.
I guess, I wouldn't still do it, if I were to do something of that sort, I wouldn't be writing here to announce myself anyway. I wouldn't want anyone to know it either. Since nobody really cares, it is best to fade away in the background, knowing that nobody will notice it even, or be affected in any way as well.
Anyway no need to worry about me. I wouldn't write to make people worry about me anyways. You've your own problems, if you ever want to help me find the hot wheels I'm looking for, please so lemme know. I'll be super happy to have em.
After all, that is probably the only tiny distraction I have in my life right now, keeping me sane.
Letting go
June 12, 2018
In sadness and sorrow,
Lay the meek heart,
Sinking in deeper,
Struggling in quicksand
The struggle to be free,
Having adverse effects,
No souls to lend a hand,
No souls to hear the cries
The soul sinks deeper,
Embracing the reality,
There's not much to do,
Letting thy self go.
Loving the pain
June 12, 2018
Maybe I could break away,
Free from all this pain,
Seek out pastures new,
Maybe I could be happy,
Even if just a day,
Doing something different,
Maybe I could let go,
All the pain inside,
Just move on again,
Just maybe,
But I wouldn't do that,
I've started to love this pain,
To be hurt repeatedly,
By one after the other,
By actions or lack of,
By words or by silence,
I'll just embrace the pain,
Let it consume me,
Cause it matters,
Only to me.
Neck deep
June 12, 2018
I am neck deep in this now,
Reaching out and lending a hand,
Might no longer work,
I may no longer accept support,
Maybe I just want to sink,
Maybe I just want it all to end.
Long gone
June 14, 2018
In the wee hours of night,
When the darkness falls,
I used to have an angel,
Watch over my soul,
I remember so well,
All those moments,
I will never forget,
All the times,
And so the story goes on
You've never been gone,
For this long,
Leaving me stranded,
Like a scare crow lost,
I'll never forget,
All those moments,
You and I used to spend,
All those long sweet nights,
And that's how the story goes..
Jamming
June 17, 2018
Was I too happy yesterday,
Jamming away to glory,
With stranger all across the globe,
With no care in the world
Cause I knew this was coming,
This fall from grace,
Into absolute depression,
Sulking in pain
The balance has been kept,
In sorrows and joys,
In longing and solitude,
I fail yet again.
Bhubaneswar
June 23, 2018
3 days here and, this is the last night.
I didn't really know if there was anyone here, so it was a friendless lonely city sort of.
Never really went out if my room either. Sort of a fail, it's a good thing, I didn't even bother to take my camera. That saved me the trouble at least in the airports.
I really wished there was someone here in this city, that I could have met during these last few dull days.
Sadly, I brought along rain with me, as I do wherever I go. It's as if the sky is crying with me or for me and my misery.
Guess, this is the end.
If there was anyone in Bhubaneswar I could have met, I am sorry. I didn't really know what would have happened anyway. And I didn't have the best of times here in any way at all. I sort of failed the whole purpose of my visit. I should have come prepared, instead I knew nothing and disappointed everyone involved as well.
I feel bad, sorta super bad. That at one point I wished it would all end right away.
Ramblings - ii
June 27, 2018
How perfect to be welcomed by a paper like this.
What am I to feel now?
I think I'm really falling apart now.
Almost 6 months now, that's half a year. How long must I wait for you? Are you coming back? Do you miss me? Do you need me anymore?
If someone cared, there would always be a way to concatct, even if it's a minute or maybe borrow someone's phone or anything. How I wished I could, or have a way to contact anyone near you. You've given me no way to contact you. You've left me in the dark of what's happening.
You should have known, how and what all I might think.
Maybe knowing that you'll be here tomorrow, is always the belief that kept me together and strong. Now what am I? Who am I to you?
You've given me no way to contact you, as if I shouldn't or needn't anymore. As if you don't care anymore.
The things I used to think up inside me, like what if anything happened to you or anything. And you have absolutely no idea how happy I felt when you sent a letter that day. I was so happy, but I couldn't feel the same vibe from you.
How can you leave me alone like this and go. I think I'm turning bad now. Losing my true self. Throwing it all away, without giving a damn about anyone anymore. No more feelings. No more people, seems like nobody matters to me anymore.
Why me? Always? I don't know if u can be broken again. Go through it all again. My faith keeps me alive with a faint hope, that'll you'll be here tomorrow.
Why aren't you here?
How I wish you know, how much I miss you.
Guess I taking my mind off the pain by indulging in other stuff, good or bad.
Am I not needed anymore, by anyone.
Falling in love isn't something that comes easy to me and at this rate I'll probably never love anyone anymore.
I really am broken. I can just keep crying over this uncertainty.
People say, you're not coming back. I still choose to believe otherwise. I wonder how much longer I'll have to wait to know, who I really am to you. Do I mean anything to you anymore? Is there a forever waiting for me?
Am I deserted in the dark? Maybe this is what I deserved? Maybe I should have seen this coming?
Everyone leaves me behind and goes. I guess I'm discardable for all. Is that who I am to you as well?
Do you not miss me like before? Did you get used to this feeling of not wanting me anymore?
Now I am broken.
Nobody can save me.
Forget it all
June 29, 2018
Forget the love,
Forget the pain it brings,
All that comes later,
When I've failed everyday,
Even at basic things,
I don't think I'm worth living,
On this cutthroat world,
The way I am.
Fear
I no longer know,
What I really seek,
Pain comes in,
All shapes and sizes,
Dredging me along,
Like a headless beast,
Splicing through,
Splinted heart,
On a journey,
To unknown realms,
Where lies atrocities,
Of immeasurable depths,
Waiting to pounce,
On this vulnerable prey,
Lost and scattered,
Stricken by fear.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)