Wednesday, April 23, 2014

Fireball of Negative Energy


Warning!!! There's so much negativity in this post. If you can't handle nonsense I urge please leave immediately, this ain't for the meek hearted. And I don't want anyone complaining either for wasting their precious little time.

       Oh yeah!! That's what I am right now. A fireball of negative energy. That too volatile. People should just distance themselves if they don't wanna get hurt. After all you cant just go and touch a fireball and expect not to get burnt, can you? The negative energy emanating from me is so strong that even I'm scared. Feels like its eating away on me from the inside. I just can't understand why? Have I totally lost cause now?

                   It was only on Sunday that I actually talked someone for the first time. You could say after a long time, and pretty much a long call after ages. And talked for the first meant, talking to her for the first time. Just another random stranger I just had a casual chat with. But that talk kinda endeared me to her, there could be lots of factors involved. Firstly, she spoke so much that I just had to speak something back in return and it was pretty comfy. Secondly, shes pretty much engaged, so I could just talk freely without giving much of care as to fear whether I would fall in love, or she would. You must be thinking I'm pretty crazy to be overly cautious about things like that. But I have my own reasons, something of a nightmare that still haunts me, and still manages to prevent me from being that happy go lucky guy. I may not be a Jain, but I still don't want to hurt anyone, well I do eat Chicken and kill mosquitoes if they bite. That aside, I don't wanna hurt anything alive. Especially not people, strangers or enemies, that should pretty much give the right emphasis on how much a friend means to me, maybe, maybe not.

                     I've made a couple of friends over the past few weeks and I've even talked to a few of them over the phone. Although that didn't make much or mean much especially cause, one was pretty much like me, and giggling all throughout just like me, and the other well pretty much sums up my other trait of not talking at all. If you don't talk, you just can't get me to talk. And above all that I never talk to people only these days, be it on phone or in real life. Maximum a few words with mom and dad, for that matter everyday since I'm at home. If I go back to PG, even that won't be regular.

             I was just trying to analyse, what this signifies. Feeling super guilty for I have no idea what. Maybe cause I cut the call without telling bye, or maybe cause I bothered to call after a while to check if she got home? Or was it the random dumbness I typed on WhatsApp, after all I chat better than I speak. Oh I'm loosing out on chatting too. Now I pretty much suck at it too, that I can't strike up a conversation with anyone. And I've been feel the widening distance between me and all my friends too. After all, if I had someone to talk to, I would've never let this fireball of negativity grow so huge that it's starting to leak out of control. I'm getting consumed by hate, hate for myself. I still have no idea, why I'm like this. Maybe if a few friends read all this nonsense, they'll ask me if I'm mad, well am I? Is that how you feel? Then maybe I am? I have no idea, as what it is being crazy and being normal.

             I've always tried to fit in everywhere I guess. Tried to adjust with almost everything, unless it involves food. I totally hate vegetables and all those South Indian meals, yeah even the ones served during traditional marriages. Oh yeah, I maybe born and be completely from here only, yet I can't tolerate that, if kinda makes me puke, the smell and the taste. So I would rather urge you not to try to force me to have those kinda stuff, because I get weird sensations in my head and I'll most probably puke it all out.Of course trying to fit in is something, but being frank and straight forward never let go of my side. One of my friends once said, I always sugar coat everything, maybe I did? I always spoke the truth, as how I felt it, but maybe back then I used to say it in such a way that it never hurt anyone. But that's not the case now, I'm too blunt. I speak straight forward and so blunt that I don't even know what kinda impact it has on others and I don't even realize if they get hurt or not until its too late. So being around this burning fireball of negative energy can only be harmful to you.

                  I thought I could use a girlfriend, but maybe I was wrong. All that I was looking for was actually a friend, one with whom I can just be myself. One with whom I can just hug tight and cry out all my heart, without having to bother how he/she might feel, without ever being stopped halfway in my tracks of what happened. There used to be people, but guess they all got too busy with life and have their own set of troubles that I can't afford to offload an extra dosage of negativity on top of them right now. Oh, how I wish I had someone who would soak up all my rubbish without battling an eyelash. Oh, how I wish I had a friend, not for namesake, but in actual meaning too. And to make matters all worse, I don't have even a glimmer of hope that I'll get a friend like that, I've been so consumed by negativity that I feel hopeless and no reason in life itself. Why do I have to live like this? Who am I even living this miserable life for? Is my guilty feeling for having hurt her cause of my desperation to have a good friend? Or is it because I really don't know why all of a sudden I'm getting the cold shoulder? I've so many questions, but I don't think I'll ever find out an answer, after all I've only myself to confront, only myself to talk to. Always been that way, and pretty much seems to continue that way. 

Oh, Why do you care

Why do you cry,
Why do you care

Were never meant to have,
What you wished for,

All the promises made,
Were neither to be kept,
And over the top,
You knew all along

Why do you sulk,
Why do you brood

Distanced yourself,
Spoke open to none

All the people around,
Have no time to sit down,
Picking up the pieces,
That you left for a hint

Why curse yourself,
Why hate yourself

Made all the calls,
That's why you are

Maybe people have tried,
Taking a piece of your mind,
Couldn't handle no more,
All this negative vibe

Monday, April 21, 2014

Friendship, Love, Marriage et cetera.

    Today started with all the feels thingy lingering in my mind. So much feel. And it is when it comes to putting them into words, where I fail miserably. I have no starting point, nor no preset destination, only a set of checkpoints to cover through in this misty cloud of a mind. There are so many things on mind, but I am not even sure whether to mix them up or to write them separately, and the worst part is accidentally mixing them up as I continue with the typing and end up in some dead end. Here's something that I read about on some site which actually wasn't supposed to be there, or was it? Who knows.

               Somebody tried to connect friendship and Facebook, and tried to relate how things are and why Facebook is getting boring boring for people. My focus ain't on the Facebook part anyway, because I kinda cured myself of my addiction over a year ago, which is pretty good and bad at the same time. Before I wander off on my thoughts and loose sight of it completely, lets just get this over with.

        So what is friendship anyway? Someone recently told me that FRIEND stands for a widely unknown expansion: Few Relations In Earth Never Die. Well well, what do you think of that eh? If you've heard it well and good, but if you're hearing for the first time, isn't that true? Or is it not? I can't be the judge of one and all and claim all goes well, n relations never die. After all, I've had some pretty bad experiences myself that, few relations never had any depth, if not nothing at all.

      Sometimes I do wonder too, why do we need friends or a friend for that matter? What is the use? How does it affect you? When at the end of the day almost 90% of the people are all about themselves, and would only just prefer themselves to be in a better position than see anyone else, be it a friend or a stranger. This is typical human mentality, or so I guess. Maybe people do think that they care about others, maybe people do think that they would do anything for their best friend, but maybe its only putting the thoughts into action where they fail? Well I really have no idea, for most of the times, the action which they might have planned out or not, never happens. Its just a rat race out there, with "Me first" approach by all of them. And to add fuel to the fire, this practice is widely given support by the parents as well. Come first in class and you'll get an iPad or a Tablet, maybe it used to be a good practice to temp kids to study by offering a prize if they do well. But is that the case now? It's become that competitive of a world, where kids fight it out for bragging rights. I need to outdo him by all means it seems, not at a child level, but as they grow up. Oh yeah, this is survival of the fittest after all right? If you're weak you'll just be washed away in the tide, only the ones daring to do anything, even licking up the asses of the bosses to please them to get appraisals, very strong you're. Gotta admit that, you've no shame, bravo.

          When the world has fallen to such lows for good, why would you risk falling prey to any of this ruckus right? You've a life to live, it's your responsibility what you make of it, it's your decisions at key points that make it what it is. All is left in your hands, sometimes you might have to step over others and move forward, if that leads to what you're seeking right? It's like the story of the Crabs in a tub, where one doesn't manage to get out, and won't let any other get out either, by pulling them down. If I can't do it, why the hell should you? It gives them great satisfaction, when you think he or she couldn't do it either, with a sigh of relief, than trying to rectify your mistakes and get it done.

     So do you have a friend? I'm sure you could point out to tons of them out there and call them your friend. But can I do the same? Are all of the people I know my friends actually? I don't get time to talk to them all of the time, in fact maybe days, months or years might have passed since I've had any contact with them, even if they're on my supposed friends list on Facebook. So they're my friends? Or have to degraded themselves into mere acquaintances with now just a hi-bye relation between us? Not that it affects too much, after all knowing someone in a crowd of strangers is far better than not knowing anyone at all, right? Or do you beg to differ? For sometimes knowing someone can even be to your disadvantage.

          People say, or even I do tell some people "I'll always be there for you", or like "We'll be best friends forever" and similar lines. At that point of time when you utter those lines, I'm sure you've the utmost faith in yourself that you guys will be having this sort of relationship forever. But how many of them ever last? Take a dig at your past, and think if you're best friend at school or college is as close as to you as before? Not that the relation has degraded or you've fallen apart, but do you still look into their everyday lives even now, now that you've gone separate ways, that you possibly never even meet once in a month or few.
                  That article focused on Facebook and how people are no longer interested to see the everyday feeds of the people who used to be their friends sometime in the past, and rather filter out and get the feeds on the people who are currently your everyday buddies. Is it purely a part of the western culture or not I do not know, but then since India is pretty much blindly adopting everything from the West, blindly believing that its being modern and thats how people should be, it wouldn't be long before people develop that sort of a mentality. And I'm by no means against Westernization, but this blind path that you're taking, is not really what you should be taking, you need to first analyze where you're headed to. If you're scared what others will think if you're not like them, and blindly follow just to please everybody, what about your own individuality? If taking drugs and getting laid week in, week out is the trend among your friends, you'd want to be "cool" like them too right? Just think about it. Oh yeah, you can take it as a rant from someone who isn't just cool enough to do all this, and maybe he's pretty jealous at all you cause he ain't getting to do all the cool stuff as you. Oh yeah you're awesome , you're a stud right, and you take immense pride in being one too I guess.

                          Then there's this thing, the good side of Westernization. It's unfortunate enough to know that there are still people out there in various regions in India, that still follow the ancient customs and norms. Who knows if Sati is still being performed somewhere? In case you don't know Sati is one abolished custom where the wife had to jump into the pyre of her husband's body and burn herself to death as well. There used to be some crazy customs I tell you. Yeah it seems child slaughter still exists in some parts of the country, and yeah that's for the girl child. If you're a girl, you'd better die right away. Are they crazy? How can they forget that a mother is a girl? How will you've an offspring if all the girl children are killed and only boys are born into this world? That kinda explains why the ratio of boys to girls also keeps getting higher. And what about the Dowry system? Lol, that's one thing thats still very much going on around in prominence. Where the family of the bride has to give some hefty amount to the grooms family, as if striking a deal. But then again, isn't there something wrong in this deal? You pay to buy something, not to selling something off right? And I was talking to a friend yesterday and she was pointing this out, if the bride has to pay, then they should be taking or buying the groom to their homes right? Who would pay money to sell something off right? Doesn't that make more sense? She also pointed out an incident where someone asked for 1cr as dowry, right, if I were a girl and if I had that much money in the first place, why on earth would I spend it on a marriage anyway? I could put the money in Bank and live the rest of my life happily just on the interest.

      Oh yeah, there are weirder customs too. Like your cousin sister or brother being your natural fiancee. Aren't you supposed to be a family? Isn't he or she supposed to be like your own sibling? Some customs like this still prevail. And there's another thing, thats been a trend in families these days regarding marriages. If the girl had a boyfriend in the past, the marriage gets called off automatically. "Oh she had a boyfriend, she must be impure. We can't marry off our son to your daughter", or so it seems. Wait a second, what about him? He too had a girlfriend or more, doesn't this apply to him? Oh no my child, you're wrong there, the girl has to be pure, the boy can do anything he wants.

                          On that aspect, there's yet again another obnoxious thing thats wrong with this country and the people. The boy gets to have a girlfriend, they go to the edges of everything, and they're now at the last stop. Marriage, what shall tie them together once and forever (at least that's whats expected) , so they live a happy life. Here comes the twist, the boys family doesn't agree to that relationship. What the hell? You've given that girl dreams, made her life yours and now you can't marry her because your parents won't heed to your plight? So what should she do now, or rather what's she supposed to do now? She put her trust in you, and now you are just leaving her halfway though on the road and moving on as if she's deadweight. What would a girl do in this situation? Suicide is one thing that comes to their mind at this juncture, after all they're now completely broken and they see no meaning in their lives anymore. All the dreams she had, and planned for a bright future with her prince charming, all shattered by the prince himself or his unwillingness to accept her and succumb to parents pressure and agree to marry some other girl. Ok, she made a suicide attempt, further down: if she succeeds, maybe she'll rid herself of all her pain, then what about her parents and siblings? What have they done to deserve this? They lost their one and only precious daughter because some spineless ass betrayed her trust, and let her down. How they might be ruing how they could've prevented this? On the flip side, if she survives. That'll be like living a life of shame, would she have the mental strength to face life again as it used to be? How will she ever be able to live happily, pretending as if nothing ever happened and she's waking up from one horrible nightmare? Everybody likes to give a try, but nobody ever thinks about the consequences.

              Oh yeah, this is pretty much leading to another vicious circle. The girl who had a boyfriend, and supposedly moved on, when the one who should've married her let her down, is now subject to a marriage. And here comes the arrow to pierce right through you. "You're impure", you've had a boyfriend. All the strength she must have mustered to start leading a normal life once again, all shattered with just a few words. This is our society. Westernization is that sense, might help you overlook that and proceed with the marriage, because in the current India where lust takes over love, the possibility of finding the so called "Pure one" has no longer any meaning. Yeah i would obviously prefer someone "pure", but then again if I love someone I wouldn't let that come in the way anyway. The whole idea of bf-gf came from the West and with it, all the morals have gone. Its become to mainstream now that getting laid is no longer considered a big incident, people would rather loose their virginity than their Facebook password, which shows how much value each has in an individuals life.

    If you can't see your relationship through, why commit in the first place? If you ain't gonna be with her, why take if all away from her? Or maybe you just want to try out before you buy, in which case are you buying a car or something which you may sell off once you're bored of it and when it gets a bit old? Anyways girls these day are no less, of course there are victims of blind trust, who often end up resorting to suicide and others who don't give a damn about it anyway. Which is good and which is bad? That's left for you to decide, your views may differ from mine and I shall respect yours.

   And I successfully managed to screw up and mix up everything I had to say. If you really had the nerve to read through all this gibberish, you're highly appreciated. Thank you for taking the pain to read through all of this. Sometimes I myself have no idea what's going on in the minds of people and can't find a proper reason to adjudge them right. Right and wrong are just abstract concepts. Your right maybe my wrong, and usually the right of the world is what the majority seems to accept. How right or wrong that is, I have no conclusions.


Thursday, March 27, 2014

You don't talk much, do you?

     "You don't talk much do you?" he asked. And all I could do was just smile back, accepting the reality of me. Why is it that so? I could chat freely with anymore on all those chatting apps or Facebook for that matter. And if I look at the present situation, I'm getting bad at socializing even though the so called social apps. And just when I thought I could turn all that energy I have in chatting into real life conversations as well, I'm starting to fade out there as well. So what actually happened?

                                           I'm still wondering what went wrong. How I could have become so much of an anti-social element, when I know that I could have been so very different. As I try to build a bridge and link up all the events, all I can see are the two sides of the bridge. Where I used to be, and where I am now.

               I don't really like the idea of putting this out, but nowadays I don't seem to have anyone to share anything with either. Not that I have nobody, it's all changed. As you know people change and all with passing time. I no longer know whom to talk to, for every other time, I seem to end up upsetting the one I really want to talk to. How things used to be between us, and how things are right now? I no longer no know what to tell or ask, for you no longer seem to want to tell me anything. I used to pull it all out of you back then, but now I just don;t seem capable of doing so without putting you in utter gloom. And on top of that you don't think you should tell me, or that I would understand it anyway right? How far we've distanced. I see it clear, this isn't what I wanted, but is something that I've always feared. Loosing someone is far too much for me to comprehend. I didn't even want love to come stand in the way and split us apart. Not that i couldn't see the love, just that I didn't want anyone getting hurt anymore, be it you or me. I had put my faith in long distance once, for it just to be shattered to crumbs, and so did you. I consider trust, a far more assuring thing to have than love, that has been far taken too lightly as a namesake.

 Nobody cares,
 nobody loves,
 its all just lust,
 its just a show off.
I cant't be one,
Just like them all,
To blend with the flow,
Of timely change.

       That was pretty odd, that I had to write like that, would've been odder if I had written those lines out flat. I've pretty much lost the will to look beyond the past. I no longer have a clue what is going on, or what may happen in time that's yet to come. Everything's turning far to poetic right now, I came to write something and it seems I've diverted like always. These wandering thoughts fill up my mind, leaving no space for some useful thoughts to sit for a while.

                   Leaving the thoughts of her behind, maybe one of those reasons that I talk lesser even on chats now. And knowing and experiencing the fact that no one will miss my presence if I just get washed off in a whim, except maybe my parents, that too cause they're my parents. I've always been the calm and patient one, at least most of the time I am. I've forgiven people for all that they've done to me, even if it was the maximum possible damage they could inflict on me mentally. I just let it all go. After all they are my friends and if I don't stoop down before someone who doesn't bother to budge, there would be no end to it. I accept my mistakes and apologize. I do tend to be clumsy most of the time. I don't follow up on all the action, because I've never been exposed to them before. And I've always felt that there's something lacking in me, that just always puts me off from the rest. I just don't get along well with anyone do I? Is it cause I don't open up anymore to anyone? If so, why can't I? Maybe trust issues, maybe I just don't feel comfortable with anyone at all. Will that actually make me #foreveralone in all senses? Even if surrounded by a couple of so called friends, who know nothing about me, and seems like I don't know anything about them either. I just don't speak at all do I. I have no clue as to what I have to speak, when to speak what and those situational stuff. All in all, I suck at being human.

                                     And at the other edge of the bridge, I see a completely different me. All I can remember now is that I used to have a couple of great friends back then. Boys and girls, full on fun with them. Playing games, fighting, and what not. It all changed with a change in scene, that change of school which changed me forever. I don't remember making good friends out of anyone except the ones who sat next to me in class. And even out of them very few seem to be even of the fringes of a so called in touch.

                                         Why me? Why do I have to be like this? I feel pretty useless right now. Even though people who know me well, know me better. I don't feel the need for anything. I don't make phone calls anymore. In fact I no longer know why people call others. All that coupled with some incidents, have made it all the more harsh on the nature. And the smartphone has become just a smart device for me. In fact I would no longer care if it had no signal anymore if it could just grab some 3G out of thin air or something. Such has been the plight of me, that I see nothing bright anymore. I just end up wishing, wishing for a lover, wishing for a friend like the ones I see in movies. Wishing for all the impossible things in life. And I don't even think I'm putting a foot forward in the right direction anymore. It doesn't seem like I would be comfortable in jobs that involve a lot of talking do I?

                    Having a thousand friends on Facebook doesn't solve anything. I just barely know them. And do they know me? I wonder. And with the change instilled in people over time, I've pretty much lost a couple of friends who I thought were very good buds. Along went a part of my faith in humanity as well. People tend to go away, don't they. You can't stop it, and you've go to accept it don't you? Seems like I just can't get myself to accept the reality that they're gone and are no longer coming back. For every chance I get, I try to drag them back into my life. But do they care? I suppose not, they've moved on after all. When you get better friends, those with similar wavelengths, you'd tend to get along better with them. I should of course not let this affect me, but the more I think, the lower I fall into the depths of loneliness. People can of course, come and tell you're not alone. At least best friends will, but the fact of the reality is that, you're way too far away to make me feel any better in real life, than just comfort me for a little while. Maybe, just maybe if I had at least one of you hanging around me, it would've been different. Maybe I would've changed and become better socially. For I don't see myself making such awesome friends outta anyone anymore. For I just don't talk much anymore, I rarely make friends out of strangers nowadays, they rather tend to remain as acquaintances rather than turn into good friends. I don't blame any of them, it's all just me. I just don't seem so interested in anything anymore or so, I think that's the kind of aura that's emanating off of me. All in all, I just feel like another brick in the wall.

Tuesday, March 18, 2014

Oh Poor Soul

All those that glitters,
Sparks a light,
In those colourless eyes,
A gleam of hope,
A piece of light,
To the narrow exit,
Like a pin hole,
To a distant dream,
Faded to plain white,
With shades of Grey

Lost in the echoes,
Of voices unheard,
Craving to burst out,
To spill out,
To bear the burden,
Treading this body down,
To the lower echelons,
To burn in hell fire

Where is everybody,
When you need a hand,
To pull you out,
From this treacherous dream,
Or was it the dream,
That you dreamed so long,
Betraying your senses,
Betraying the faith,
A life of lies,
Made of images,
Unreal feelings and lust

The wall looks down on you,
With unbound pity,
You poor soul,
At thy misery,
Been seeing this a while,
Been sick and tired,
Of the endless playlist,
Playing on repeat,
The look in disbelief,
Of a crushed soul 

The promises they made,
Wondering why they did,
Speak such mean things,
Was it all part of a script,
Of unchartered  thrills,
Limitless pain,
Never ending tears,
Faith be lost,
Forsaking all humanity

Do you start all over,
Or do you quit,
Do you risk again,
With an outcome so clear,
To try your luck,
With all odds against,
One last time,
To make it,
Or end up broken,
Not just once,
But for all eternity