Finally, I got it, a spark lost in this careless path that I've been cruising along with no turning back......
I can write again, or atleast I feel that I can. As the name itself reflects, this is about the reflections that I could see when I was in deep thought today. Do bear with me on all the silly mistakes I may be committing, now with that said , here goes.....
I see it now, my own reflection that separates me from who I think I am and what I really am...
"There is no such thing as a good human being", that is what I had put as my status message on Whatsapp, if you don't know what it is, its a one-year free mobile chat app,that has got all the basics right. So back to where I left off, a friend saw it and told , you are good. Hmm, let me think, why did I put that as a status? Was it to get appraisals from my friends? Ain't it true that we all like being praised? But that definitely didn't make any difference anyway cause I know I ain't, but I used to think so not so long back. I believed that I was good, and there would be none like me, or rather just a few like me and better than me. But how do I even qualify to be a good human being? Do I even do anything worthy of being so? No, I don't, then how the hell can I be a good person. There are a hell lot of people out there, who do good deeds, they need recognition.
I can't even make a general statement on this, but then I used to think and think, and that was exactly the problem, I used to think and think alone, never act. I guess everyone must be thinking good stuff only in their minds, but the inability to act is what puts them along with the majority of people. If you don't take time to think it out about how what you do might make a difference you'll never do anything and will always remain a thinker like me. I don't think I'll change, at least not a sudden overhaul of nature, but I need to, that I know for sure.
You are only as good as your worst, or so they say. And that just shows how you measure up with the rest. Who you are is only truly shown in the nature and behaviour you show to the people who stand beneath you. Its what actually shows how good you are. When I put all the facts together where do I stand? I'm only as good as you and the rest out there, or maybe even worse. I have no right to claim or even think I'm good, atleast I don't go about claiming that, but always used to feel so within me, but now that thought is fast degrading. I know I'm not worthy of being called a good human. I'ven't done anything that could be termed noble or an act of kindness. If only I could just put all my thoughts into action I would've felt a bit better.
How many people actually help a stranger unless they ask for it? Not many I presume, or it maybe just how I feel from all that I've seen. But definitely if there is a girl in need, all boys around will be rushing to help er out, right? Atleast that's what I've seen, and that thought kind of prevents me from helping girls, cause that actually makes me think or feel guilty that I'm also doing it for the same reason only, and there have been a few instances where I've helped a few people and they have even Thanked me for that, and those instances actually make feel happy, and yeah they weren't girls.
There are so many barriers within me and my mind that actually prevents me from doing a lot of stuff that I feel I should've. Its always been fear of something, that kept me away, and still is making me do so, over and over again. Last Friday was one such day, where I could've helped someone but I was reluctant to, fearing that my intuition may be wrong, but unfortunately it was right and I could've helped them save time and money, but my shy nature of not mingling with strangers got the better of me and I didn't do a thing.
There were this two people, a boy and a girl, they were in the same bus as me, but then when a certain stop arrived, I wondered why they weren't getting out of the bus, cause they were speaking Hindi and usually all of them would be going to the main city and not where this bus or my bus was heading. I just kept hoping they would ask me something just to clarify and then would tell them to get down, but it just didn't happen. When the conductor came and asked them if they were going to the Final Destination of the bus, they replied yes, but I thought I heard him say out soft, the name of the other place, but now that he had confirmed that he was going there, I felt all the more reluctant to ask him anything. And I certainly could make out that he was going somewhere in a hurry,but didn't exactly know where. And at the end, it so turned out that they took a detour and ended up in the wrong bus after all., and I was guilty of not helping them out, just cause I feared "What if they are going where they claim to be going?", "What would they feel if I ask them where they are going when its none of my business?" . These kind of thought actually create a dilemma within my mind, "To do or not to do?" , that is the question after all. If I had helped them I would've felt happy cause I helped them, but I din't and that raises a guilty conscience in me.
And this so called me, is supposed to be good? Just cause I think good, doesn't make me good. I know I ain't, and people just randomly saying I'm won't actually make me good would it? I need to live up to the billing, if I were, but do I? Maybe someday I can hope to be as good as I wish to be.
But for now, the reflections that I saw of myself are far more significant, than the indeterministic future in which I may or may not exist.
"Actions speak louder than words".