Sunday, November 25, 2012


              Finally, I got it, a spark lost in this careless path that I've been cruising along with no turning back......
I can write again, or atleast I feel that I can. As the name itself reflects, this is about the reflections that I could see when I was in deep thought today. Do bear with me on all the silly mistakes I may be committing, now with that said , here goes.....

          I see it now, my own reflection that separates me from who I think I am and what I really am...

            "There is no such thing as a good human being", that is what I had put as my status message on Whatsapp, if you don't know what it is, its a one-year free mobile chat app,that has got all the basics right. So back to where I left off, a friend saw it and told , you are good. Hmm, let me think, why did I put that as a status? Was it to get appraisals from my friends? Ain't it true that we all like being praised? But that definitely didn't make any difference anyway cause I know I ain't, but I used to think so not so long back. I believed that I was good, and there would be none like me, or rather just a few like me and better than me. But how do I even qualify to be a good human being? Do I even do anything worthy of being so? No, I don't, then how the hell can I be a good person. There are a hell lot of people out there, who do good deeds, they need recognition.

            I can't even make a general statement on this, but then I used to think and think, and that was exactly the problem, I used to think and think alone, never act. I guess everyone must be thinking good stuff only in their minds, but the inability to act is what puts them along with the majority of people. If you don't take time to think it out about how what you do might make a difference you'll never do anything and will always remain a thinker like me. I don't think I'll change, at least not a sudden overhaul of nature, but I need to, that I know for sure.

           You are only as good as your worst, or so they say. And that just shows how you measure up with the rest. Who you are is only truly shown in the nature and behaviour you show to the people who stand beneath you. Its what actually shows how good you are. When I put all the facts together where do I stand? I'm only as good as you and the rest out there, or maybe even worse. I have no right to claim or even think I'm good, atleast I don't go about claiming that, but always used to feel so within me, but now that thought is fast degrading. I know I'm not worthy of being called a good human. I'ven't done anything that could be termed noble or an act of kindness. If only I could just put all my thoughts into action I would've felt a bit better.

              How many people actually help a stranger unless they ask for it? Not many I presume, or it maybe just how I feel from all that I've seen. But definitely if there is a girl in need, all boys around will be rushing to help er out, right? Atleast that's what I've seen, and that thought kind of prevents me from helping girls, cause that actually makes me think or feel guilty that I'm also doing it for the same reason only, and there have been a few instances where I've helped a few people and they have even Thanked me for that, and those instances actually make feel happy, and yeah they weren't girls.

            There are so many barriers within me and my mind that actually prevents me from doing a lot of stuff that I feel I should've. Its always been fear of something, that kept me away, and still is making me do so, over and over again. Last Friday was one such day, where I could've helped someone but I was reluctant to, fearing that my intuition may be wrong, but unfortunately it was right and I could've helped  them save time and money, but my shy nature of not mingling with strangers got the better of me and I didn't do a thing.

     There were this two people, a boy and a girl, they were in the same bus as me, but then when a certain stop arrived, I wondered why they weren't getting out of the bus, cause they were speaking Hindi and usually all of them would be going to the main city and not where this bus or my bus was heading. I just kept hoping they would ask me something just to clarify and then would tell them to get down, but it just didn't happen. When the conductor came and asked them if they were going to the Final Destination of the bus, they replied yes, but I thought I heard him say out soft, the name of the other place, but now that he had confirmed that he was going there, I felt all the more reluctant to ask him anything. And I certainly could make out that he was going somewhere in a hurry,but didn't exactly know where. And at the end, it so turned out that they took a detour and ended up in the wrong bus after all., and I was guilty of not helping them out, just cause I feared "What if they are going where they claim to be going?", "What would they feel if I ask them where they are going when its none of my business?" . These kind of thought actually create a dilemma within my mind, "To do or not to do?" , that is the question after all. If I had helped them I would've felt happy cause I helped them, but I din't and that raises a guilty conscience in me.

          And this so called me, is supposed to be good? Just cause I think good, doesn't make me good. I know I ain't, and people just randomly saying I'm won't actually make me good would it? I need to live up to the billing, if I were, but do I? Maybe someday I can hope to be as good as I wish to be.
But for now, the reflections that I saw of myself are far more significant, than the indeterministic future in which I may or may not exist.

                                            "Actions speak louder than words".

Friday, November 23, 2012

iPhone Apps Thanksgiving Sale

               Not until last year did I know that there existed a day called "Thanksgiving Day", and the so called Black Friday. My friend was like Black Friday is on, the special day of the year when you get stuff for free and with huge discounts. He did manage to download lots of games for free as well last year especially Gameloft games. They do put up quite a few apps for free and lots on discount.

Guess what I found this time, don't waste time, cause its a once in a lifetime offer on some of these apps , let me just list out a few that caught my attention.

Asphalt 7 : Heat : Free on iOS - Link
                             Rs 55 on Android - Link

Fifa 13 : $ 2.99 / Rs 170 on iOS - Link
Real Football 13 :  Free on iOS  - Link

                              Free on Android - Link

Amazing Spiderman : Rs 55 / $ 0.99 on iOS  -  Link
                                   Rs 55 on Android - Link

Gangstar : Rio : Rs 55 on Android - Link
                          Rs 55 on iOS - Link

Do check out and download them soon, cause you may not get them like this anymore

Happy Thanksgiving Day to all of you.

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Losing The Edge

                     Ever since I got into day shift, I've been finding it pretty hard to find time to write up something. Even when some thoughts flash by, I fail to retain them to pen them down. Seems like I've lost the edge to write anymore. Can't get hold of any words that actually reflect the thoughts, or have they actually dried up from too much exposure to sunlight in this barren desert of life? I've got no clue as to what has happend to me over the past couple of months, seems like all I've written well came out due to the soaring flames inside me, which seems to have died out now. Those strong feelings seem to have retracted and I no longer seem to feel or ponder over those matters no longer.

       The feeling of love and emotions have died in me, I no longer feel sociable even on social networks, I finally got off the addiction of being with friends, is it good or bad I can't judge anymore. I just have lost the edge all of a sudden. Pretty tough to get attached to anyone, or rather I keep my distance from people now at a higher level. Seems like I'm pushing myself away from the social community and putting myself back into the dark pits from where I once rose out bright and loud. I'm turning mute now the the voices I hear all around. No longer able to express what I feel , or too scared to type anymore fearing the blunders that I may make that may ruin any reputation that I've had, if at all I had any that is.

          I am now swallowed by my own fear, fear of the world, fear of rejection, fear of failure. And deep down inside, all I feel is that I'm losing my edge, or rather have lost the edge already. And since I don't want a repeat of the past, which still keeps haunting me time and again, I try keeping myself off the streets of joy fearing a fatal accident with sorrow. I no longer can express what I really fear, to anybody anywhere, or even on the blog. I started writing to be heard, now something inside doesn't want myself to be heard out. Nevertheless I'll put this up, trying to overcome the worst.

         The thought of not having anyone nearby who knows it all keeps killing me inside, and makes me wonder, why I am the only one who doesn't have anyone to share anything with? I can never tell anything to parents cause they still won't get it. In fact I've never stood against their wishes on big life affecting decisions have I? Who ever wanted to be an Engineer in a country full of engineers who find it hard to get a job? The state has gotten worse now, with every guy you turn to being an MBA graduate, where do I stand now?  Nowhere, I still haven't cleared my papers, the only relief is having a job, which may have had some role to play with the papers piling up.

       Having a job is one thing, have a degree is another. There are people with the certificate going from door to door in search of a job and then there is me, who got a job without getting the valuable certificate, which still makes me just a high school student, for thats all I got to show. If only I could go for the animation course that I wanted to complete, who knows where my future lay? Atleast would have been happy with any job related to it, not that I'm not happy with my present job, which I am actually cause programming has always been my better side. But then again I've lost the edge to write, to communicate, and even the will to express the feelings within the heart.

         I may not have had a hard life after all, in fact I'm living an easy life compared to all those people who barely get a time's meal for themselves. The fact that I'm blogging itself is proof that I'm in a way better state than half the world. And with dad taking up too many loans just for our sake and our bright future, I should atleast be of some help in helping him clear the debts. But with the present job and the salary offered I know I can never match even the huge interests to be paid each month, let alone my own expenses, the only way I found to save money is by spending less on food, cause travel expenses can't be cut all the time.

     I want to do much more, I really wish I could do something to help,but seems like the wish will remain a wish in my mind, and never be put to action, the same way I end up with every single venture I take up or plan in my mind. Is it lack of courage? I guess not, am I afraid of something or someone? I still don't know, but I definitely do fear failure, I am afraid to take that all important step forward that may determine the future. In fact being single, I don't have any extra expenses than on myself. But I'm too wasteful with the resources I've got, I don't utilize what I got and end up wasting stuff and precious resources. I know I could do much more, but there is something that's lacking, the will , the determination to move forward, I just don't know why I'm not determined yet? The missing ingredient to the unvanquishable  flames that burn on for ever, what is it? Why can't I just find it sooner?

            Fear has taken me in, fear of each and every single thing. One that prevents me from making close friends with the fear that I may loose them one day and will cry over it.  The fear of falling in love, fearing that they may ditch me one day cause I may not live up to their expectations. The fear of me myself going wild and acting weird when put under a considerable amount of pressure, blurting out the truth with no regard as to what the listener may feel. Words spoken out sharp that slices through them, showing no mercy whatsoever. I fear myself the most and I'm definitely losing the edge to write out like how I used to once, simple, true and reflective of my emotions. That I've lost now, in the darkness of my mind, maybe forever.

Autumn of Life

Been a while since you have left,
But the longer it becomes,
The lesser it seems since you left

Memories may fade out with time,
But they are still etched in you,
And suddenly out of nowhere,
They pop out in your mind

The void left by the parting,
Gets filled by tears uncontrollable,
The space that you made your own,
Will never be filled by anyone else

Its that season of the life again,
When the leaves detach themselves,
From the tree that held them together,
And flow with the wind to far off destiny

Little do they know,
What they meant to the tree,
One by one they left em,
Leaving behind a soul stripped off its life

Once they supported em stand up tall,
Give shelter to the meek,
Spread out shades or joy and sorrow,
Granted by all of them put together

Leaves will sprout again,
As nature prepares for another season,
But not always do the tree bear,
The sweet fruits it once used to bear


Everytime I start typing nowadays,
I get indulged in thoughts,
That cleanse me in dreams,
Leaving the poem stranded

Why can't I focus anymore,
That I finish what I have started,
Why can't I ever focus,
On finishing off what I've started

My mind wanders in thoughts,
Of the un-happenable stuff in life,
Where I'm anything but sad,
Living the life of some superstar

Thinking something I start off,
With a projected outcome in mind,
Built like one of those castle in air,
So paper thin yet elegant

There is no longer a focus,
That urges a step forward,
The spirit lacks the inspiration,
To strive to achieve the greats

I sit still and think of life,
But then end up day dreaming,
And then time passes on,
Like a jet fighter in the skies 

Saturday, November 10, 2012


I can't find any words to tell,
I can't find the emotions to show,
For I feel so low right now,
For you've left for good

Time hath passed too soon,
Whenever I wanted a halt,
Million moments have passed,
Since I first met you

I remember that smile,
You had on your face,
When I first saw you,
I remember those eyes,
Gleaming with innocence,
On the first sight

Those times had then passed,
With months bridging the gap,
Those times are long gone,
With the gap widening

The feelings long gone,
The heart left empty within,
Words flow no longer,
From this empty vessel of life

The times were etched in memory,
For a life full of dreams,
Ones that will remain,
Dreams for all eternity