Message in a bottle

July 4, 2018

Hello princess 👸,

  Since I don't know how to reach you anymore. I don't really know what to do anymore. Before I could or used to keep sending you letters to one of your old accounts, but I guess you'll never ever see them anyway. Last time you showed up for a day, it was from another account anyway. You could actually make a new one and send me a letter at least. It's been 6 months without proper contact now. I had so much to say, the last time you popped up in between, after 3 months of waiting, and now you're gone again and it's been another 3 months and idk if you care anymore. Am I even necessary for you anymore? Wouldn't you try to contact, if you really wanted to? When with parents, I could understand. But when alone there? You still can't? There's no way at all? Is that it?

I no longer know, what I am to you, or for anyone for that matter.

 I've always been the one left behind by all. Guess that'll continue on, in my life. But honestly I'm sick of life. I've really had enough of it all. I can't really find any more good reason to survive life like this. I don't really see the point. So there is always supposed to be some greater good, or some end game to it all. What do I have to fight for? What am I even trying so hard for?

Thought I'll be happy with a job, but I've already had enough of it, and just wanna quit already. Possibly quit out on life too.

There are lots of good people around. Lots here for sure and they'll know if they read this. But we are all individuals and have our own lives. Nobody has time for anything other than their own problems, and no, that's not me blaming anyone. It's just a fact, that you have to live with. I really don't know now, what to do. It's true, nobody needs to hear anything from anyone. Why pile it up on them, if they care it'll be bad, if they don't it's okay.

I usually would have sent a letter to you on your id, but idk if you'll ever login in on it, ever. Oh I don't even think you'll ever read this also. Who knows. 

I am really tired of this. What kinda relationship is this? Where I am just lost, thinking everyday, that you'll come tomorrow. And it's been 6 months now and it seems like it doesn't even affect you. You could have told me anything. I would have never blamed you for anything. You should have known that. I keep talking to people, but I always feel that I'm committed and you'll pop up now. People say, let go and move on. Yeah right, move on from what? There was no break up in the first place to move on from. I'm still there where you've left me, but more broken n a worse human than I was at that time. I think I'm losing myself and my identity in the process. 

It's like me, against the world of nothing. Where nothing matters anymore, nor does anyone mean anything. Can I just quit on life? I hope you won't miss me, if I don't exist anymore by some freak accident or something. If you could manage 6 months, you'll not have much of a problem for the rest of your life. 

How I wish I could just throw away my life or donate it to someone who actually needs it, the people begging for live, for some more days. How I wish, I could make at least one lasting impact with this useless wasted life. But alas, there's no such way. I'm no angel to do good to others. I'll probably be as selfish as it comes. I'd never even be remembered for anything, and that's a good thing. I don't really want to be. It'll be easier for anyone to move in that way, just a mere life, or some face they have seen in the crowd. That's all I need to be, at the most. 

 You know, I've loved you so much. I don't think I'll ever be able to again. If I ever survive, I'll probably not have feelings attached to a heart anymore. I'll have to cut it all off, to leave the pain or live with the pain forever, every single day, for as long as I can last. 

I'm as low as I could be. Maybe not yet at the breaking point, where I'll do something stupid. 

Thank you for everything, you'll always be loved. 

Always