Wednesday, April 23, 2014

Fireball of Negative Energy


Warning!!! There's so much negativity in this post. If you can't handle nonsense I urge please leave immediately, this ain't for the meek hearted. And I don't want anyone complaining either for wasting their precious little time.

       Oh yeah!! That's what I am right now. A fireball of negative energy. That too volatile. People should just distance themselves if they don't wanna get hurt. After all you cant just go and touch a fireball and expect not to get burnt, can you? The negative energy emanating from me is so strong that even I'm scared. Feels like its eating away on me from the inside. I just can't understand why? Have I totally lost cause now?

                   It was only on Sunday that I actually talked someone for the first time. You could say after a long time, and pretty much a long call after ages. And talked for the first meant, talking to her for the first time. Just another random stranger I just had a casual chat with. But that talk kinda endeared me to her, there could be lots of factors involved. Firstly, she spoke so much that I just had to speak something back in return and it was pretty comfy. Secondly, shes pretty much engaged, so I could just talk freely without giving much of care as to fear whether I would fall in love, or she would. You must be thinking I'm pretty crazy to be overly cautious about things like that. But I have my own reasons, something of a nightmare that still haunts me, and still manages to prevent me from being that happy go lucky guy. I may not be a Jain, but I still don't want to hurt anyone, well I do eat Chicken and kill mosquitoes if they bite. That aside, I don't wanna hurt anything alive. Especially not people, strangers or enemies, that should pretty much give the right emphasis on how much a friend means to me, maybe, maybe not.

                     I've made a couple of friends over the past few weeks and I've even talked to a few of them over the phone. Although that didn't make much or mean much especially cause, one was pretty much like me, and giggling all throughout just like me, and the other well pretty much sums up my other trait of not talking at all. If you don't talk, you just can't get me to talk. And above all that I never talk to people only these days, be it on phone or in real life. Maximum a few words with mom and dad, for that matter everyday since I'm at home. If I go back to PG, even that won't be regular.

             I was just trying to analyse, what this signifies. Feeling super guilty for I have no idea what. Maybe cause I cut the call without telling bye, or maybe cause I bothered to call after a while to check if she got home? Or was it the random dumbness I typed on WhatsApp, after all I chat better than I speak. Oh I'm loosing out on chatting too. Now I pretty much suck at it too, that I can't strike up a conversation with anyone. And I've been feel the widening distance between me and all my friends too. After all, if I had someone to talk to, I would've never let this fireball of negativity grow so huge that it's starting to leak out of control. I'm getting consumed by hate, hate for myself. I still have no idea, why I'm like this. Maybe if a few friends read all this nonsense, they'll ask me if I'm mad, well am I? Is that how you feel? Then maybe I am? I have no idea, as what it is being crazy and being normal.

             I've always tried to fit in everywhere I guess. Tried to adjust with almost everything, unless it involves food. I totally hate vegetables and all those South Indian meals, yeah even the ones served during traditional marriages. Oh yeah, I maybe born and be completely from here only, yet I can't tolerate that, if kinda makes me puke, the smell and the taste. So I would rather urge you not to try to force me to have those kinda stuff, because I get weird sensations in my head and I'll most probably puke it all out.Of course trying to fit in is something, but being frank and straight forward never let go of my side. One of my friends once said, I always sugar coat everything, maybe I did? I always spoke the truth, as how I felt it, but maybe back then I used to say it in such a way that it never hurt anyone. But that's not the case now, I'm too blunt. I speak straight forward and so blunt that I don't even know what kinda impact it has on others and I don't even realize if they get hurt or not until its too late. So being around this burning fireball of negative energy can only be harmful to you.

                  I thought I could use a girlfriend, but maybe I was wrong. All that I was looking for was actually a friend, one with whom I can just be myself. One with whom I can just hug tight and cry out all my heart, without having to bother how he/she might feel, without ever being stopped halfway in my tracks of what happened. There used to be people, but guess they all got too busy with life and have their own set of troubles that I can't afford to offload an extra dosage of negativity on top of them right now. Oh, how I wish I had someone who would soak up all my rubbish without battling an eyelash. Oh, how I wish I had a friend, not for namesake, but in actual meaning too. And to make matters all worse, I don't have even a glimmer of hope that I'll get a friend like that, I've been so consumed by negativity that I feel hopeless and no reason in life itself. Why do I have to live like this? Who am I even living this miserable life for? Is my guilty feeling for having hurt her cause of my desperation to have a good friend? Or is it because I really don't know why all of a sudden I'm getting the cold shoulder? I've so many questions, but I don't think I'll ever find out an answer, after all I've only myself to confront, only myself to talk to. Always been that way, and pretty much seems to continue that way. 

Oh, Why do you care

Why do you cry,
Why do you care

Were never meant to have,
What you wished for,

All the promises made,
Were neither to be kept,
And over the top,
You knew all along

Why do you sulk,
Why do you brood

Distanced yourself,
Spoke open to none

All the people around,
Have no time to sit down,
Picking up the pieces,
That you left for a hint

Why curse yourself,
Why hate yourself

Made all the calls,
That's why you are

Maybe people have tried,
Taking a piece of your mind,
Couldn't handle no more,
All this negative vibe

Monday, April 21, 2014

Friendship, Love, Marriage et cetera.

    Today started with all the feels thingy lingering in my mind. So much feel. And it is when it comes to putting them into words, where I fail miserably. I have no starting point, nor no preset destination, only a set of checkpoints to cover through in this misty cloud of a mind. There are so many things on mind, but I am not even sure whether to mix them up or to write them separately, and the worst part is accidentally mixing them up as I continue with the typing and end up in some dead end. Here's something that I read about on some site which actually wasn't supposed to be there, or was it? Who knows.

               Somebody tried to connect friendship and Facebook, and tried to relate how things are and why Facebook is getting boring boring for people. My focus ain't on the Facebook part anyway, because I kinda cured myself of my addiction over a year ago, which is pretty good and bad at the same time. Before I wander off on my thoughts and loose sight of it completely, lets just get this over with.

        So what is friendship anyway? Someone recently told me that FRIEND stands for a widely unknown expansion: Few Relations In Earth Never Die. Well well, what do you think of that eh? If you've heard it well and good, but if you're hearing for the first time, isn't that true? Or is it not? I can't be the judge of one and all and claim all goes well, n relations never die. After all, I've had some pretty bad experiences myself that, few relations never had any depth, if not nothing at all.

      Sometimes I do wonder too, why do we need friends or a friend for that matter? What is the use? How does it affect you? When at the end of the day almost 90% of the people are all about themselves, and would only just prefer themselves to be in a better position than see anyone else, be it a friend or a stranger. This is typical human mentality, or so I guess. Maybe people do think that they care about others, maybe people do think that they would do anything for their best friend, but maybe its only putting the thoughts into action where they fail? Well I really have no idea, for most of the times, the action which they might have planned out or not, never happens. Its just a rat race out there, with "Me first" approach by all of them. And to add fuel to the fire, this practice is widely given support by the parents as well. Come first in class and you'll get an iPad or a Tablet, maybe it used to be a good practice to temp kids to study by offering a prize if they do well. But is that the case now? It's become that competitive of a world, where kids fight it out for bragging rights. I need to outdo him by all means it seems, not at a child level, but as they grow up. Oh yeah, this is survival of the fittest after all right? If you're weak you'll just be washed away in the tide, only the ones daring to do anything, even licking up the asses of the bosses to please them to get appraisals, very strong you're. Gotta admit that, you've no shame, bravo.

          When the world has fallen to such lows for good, why would you risk falling prey to any of this ruckus right? You've a life to live, it's your responsibility what you make of it, it's your decisions at key points that make it what it is. All is left in your hands, sometimes you might have to step over others and move forward, if that leads to what you're seeking right? It's like the story of the Crabs in a tub, where one doesn't manage to get out, and won't let any other get out either, by pulling them down. If I can't do it, why the hell should you? It gives them great satisfaction, when you think he or she couldn't do it either, with a sigh of relief, than trying to rectify your mistakes and get it done.

     So do you have a friend? I'm sure you could point out to tons of them out there and call them your friend. But can I do the same? Are all of the people I know my friends actually? I don't get time to talk to them all of the time, in fact maybe days, months or years might have passed since I've had any contact with them, even if they're on my supposed friends list on Facebook. So they're my friends? Or have to degraded themselves into mere acquaintances with now just a hi-bye relation between us? Not that it affects too much, after all knowing someone in a crowd of strangers is far better than not knowing anyone at all, right? Or do you beg to differ? For sometimes knowing someone can even be to your disadvantage.

          People say, or even I do tell some people "I'll always be there for you", or like "We'll be best friends forever" and similar lines. At that point of time when you utter those lines, I'm sure you've the utmost faith in yourself that you guys will be having this sort of relationship forever. But how many of them ever last? Take a dig at your past, and think if you're best friend at school or college is as close as to you as before? Not that the relation has degraded or you've fallen apart, but do you still look into their everyday lives even now, now that you've gone separate ways, that you possibly never even meet once in a month or few.
                  That article focused on Facebook and how people are no longer interested to see the everyday feeds of the people who used to be their friends sometime in the past, and rather filter out and get the feeds on the people who are currently your everyday buddies. Is it purely a part of the western culture or not I do not know, but then since India is pretty much blindly adopting everything from the West, blindly believing that its being modern and thats how people should be, it wouldn't be long before people develop that sort of a mentality. And I'm by no means against Westernization, but this blind path that you're taking, is not really what you should be taking, you need to first analyze where you're headed to. If you're scared what others will think if you're not like them, and blindly follow just to please everybody, what about your own individuality? If taking drugs and getting laid week in, week out is the trend among your friends, you'd want to be "cool" like them too right? Just think about it. Oh yeah, you can take it as a rant from someone who isn't just cool enough to do all this, and maybe he's pretty jealous at all you cause he ain't getting to do all the cool stuff as you. Oh yeah you're awesome , you're a stud right, and you take immense pride in being one too I guess.

                          Then there's this thing, the good side of Westernization. It's unfortunate enough to know that there are still people out there in various regions in India, that still follow the ancient customs and norms. Who knows if Sati is still being performed somewhere? In case you don't know Sati is one abolished custom where the wife had to jump into the pyre of her husband's body and burn herself to death as well. There used to be some crazy customs I tell you. Yeah it seems child slaughter still exists in some parts of the country, and yeah that's for the girl child. If you're a girl, you'd better die right away. Are they crazy? How can they forget that a mother is a girl? How will you've an offspring if all the girl children are killed and only boys are born into this world? That kinda explains why the ratio of boys to girls also keeps getting higher. And what about the Dowry system? Lol, that's one thing thats still very much going on around in prominence. Where the family of the bride has to give some hefty amount to the grooms family, as if striking a deal. But then again, isn't there something wrong in this deal? You pay to buy something, not to selling something off right? And I was talking to a friend yesterday and she was pointing this out, if the bride has to pay, then they should be taking or buying the groom to their homes right? Who would pay money to sell something off right? Doesn't that make more sense? She also pointed out an incident where someone asked for 1cr as dowry, right, if I were a girl and if I had that much money in the first place, why on earth would I spend it on a marriage anyway? I could put the money in Bank and live the rest of my life happily just on the interest.

      Oh yeah, there are weirder customs too. Like your cousin sister or brother being your natural fiancee. Aren't you supposed to be a family? Isn't he or she supposed to be like your own sibling? Some customs like this still prevail. And there's another thing, thats been a trend in families these days regarding marriages. If the girl had a boyfriend in the past, the marriage gets called off automatically. "Oh she had a boyfriend, she must be impure. We can't marry off our son to your daughter", or so it seems. Wait a second, what about him? He too had a girlfriend or more, doesn't this apply to him? Oh no my child, you're wrong there, the girl has to be pure, the boy can do anything he wants.

                          On that aspect, there's yet again another obnoxious thing thats wrong with this country and the people. The boy gets to have a girlfriend, they go to the edges of everything, and they're now at the last stop. Marriage, what shall tie them together once and forever (at least that's whats expected) , so they live a happy life. Here comes the twist, the boys family doesn't agree to that relationship. What the hell? You've given that girl dreams, made her life yours and now you can't marry her because your parents won't heed to your plight? So what should she do now, or rather what's she supposed to do now? She put her trust in you, and now you are just leaving her halfway though on the road and moving on as if she's deadweight. What would a girl do in this situation? Suicide is one thing that comes to their mind at this juncture, after all they're now completely broken and they see no meaning in their lives anymore. All the dreams she had, and planned for a bright future with her prince charming, all shattered by the prince himself or his unwillingness to accept her and succumb to parents pressure and agree to marry some other girl. Ok, she made a suicide attempt, further down: if she succeeds, maybe she'll rid herself of all her pain, then what about her parents and siblings? What have they done to deserve this? They lost their one and only precious daughter because some spineless ass betrayed her trust, and let her down. How they might be ruing how they could've prevented this? On the flip side, if she survives. That'll be like living a life of shame, would she have the mental strength to face life again as it used to be? How will she ever be able to live happily, pretending as if nothing ever happened and she's waking up from one horrible nightmare? Everybody likes to give a try, but nobody ever thinks about the consequences.

              Oh yeah, this is pretty much leading to another vicious circle. The girl who had a boyfriend, and supposedly moved on, when the one who should've married her let her down, is now subject to a marriage. And here comes the arrow to pierce right through you. "You're impure", you've had a boyfriend. All the strength she must have mustered to start leading a normal life once again, all shattered with just a few words. This is our society. Westernization is that sense, might help you overlook that and proceed with the marriage, because in the current India where lust takes over love, the possibility of finding the so called "Pure one" has no longer any meaning. Yeah i would obviously prefer someone "pure", but then again if I love someone I wouldn't let that come in the way anyway. The whole idea of bf-gf came from the West and with it, all the morals have gone. Its become to mainstream now that getting laid is no longer considered a big incident, people would rather loose their virginity than their Facebook password, which shows how much value each has in an individuals life.

    If you can't see your relationship through, why commit in the first place? If you ain't gonna be with her, why take if all away from her? Or maybe you just want to try out before you buy, in which case are you buying a car or something which you may sell off once you're bored of it and when it gets a bit old? Anyways girls these day are no less, of course there are victims of blind trust, who often end up resorting to suicide and others who don't give a damn about it anyway. Which is good and which is bad? That's left for you to decide, your views may differ from mine and I shall respect yours.

   And I successfully managed to screw up and mix up everything I had to say. If you really had the nerve to read through all this gibberish, you're highly appreciated. Thank you for taking the pain to read through all of this. Sometimes I myself have no idea what's going on in the minds of people and can't find a proper reason to adjudge them right. Right and wrong are just abstract concepts. Your right maybe my wrong, and usually the right of the world is what the majority seems to accept. How right or wrong that is, I have no conclusions.