June 6, 2018
You've left me feeling unlovable,
Now I'm pushing people away,
To be alone and isolated,
To feel more miserable,
Wishing it would all end soon,
After all the beauty,
The end result,
Simply tends to be same.
Monday, December 30, 2019
Inability
June 7, 2018
Just when you're going to,
Tell something to someone,
You hold back and let it be,
When you see them happy,
Fearing what you say,
Will take it away
Knowing that happiness,
Is something they deserve,
Your words will only take it away,
Cause words of pain,
Can change the flow,
Now I'm left alone,
Unable to talk to anyone,
Cause it'd be crime,
To take what they have,
Just cause I don't have.
Bad
The fact that I'm writing so much here means,
This is bad 😂😂
I shouldn't be writing so much,
I really wouldn't be,
I think I don't even want to,
But I don't have a choice, do I,
After all, this is all I've got,
To write and write,
Cause I can't talk to anyone,
Nor do I wanna,
Strangers reading stuff is better,
Cause I don't care,
If they judge or not,
Nobody told you to read it,
Heck I ain't even tagging anything,
To direct to to people and their attention,
I just want to keep writing,
Cuz I'm beyond full,
With these emotions that kill,
Chipping away at my life.
Bane
June 9, 2018
Feels like Bane,
Repeating his lines,
Might tottaly makes sense,
I was born in pain,
Raised and moulded by it,
I wasn't happy until,
I was devoured by pain,
You think pain is your ally,
You merely adjusted to it,
I've been so wrapped in pain,
That now I am pain itself.
Stories
June 10, 2018
Weaving glittery words,
With ability to connect,
Those invisible dots,
Screaming out stories unspoken,
Makes writing worthwhile.
Ramblings - iii
June 10, 2018
As it is, depression has been the only constant in life as of late. With minor spurs if okay moments to try to balance out things.
N then out of nowhere, Cuz of a dumbass friend, hot wheels became my happy thingy. Collecting them and having them was like pure joy, in between all this nonsense. In fact there is so much I still need but can't find at all. If anyone ever wants to help me, please do send me some hot wheels ha, also I have a list of cars I need, that I couldn't get yet. Will be super happy if you could find em and get em for me.
But I don't really expect any of you to do that anyway, so chill. I have no expectations of you and you've no obligation to do anything either. Just to make it clear.
But the thing is, since my best friend is abroad and since my friend told me some might be available just in that country, I was like super excited and told to get me those. And instead I get some lecture on how to live, earn money and blah blah. Just what I needed right? When this is probably the only thing that's keeping me happy right now. And it ended with Go kill yourself then, so guess that means I got some kinda permission to do that from my best friend na. At least, I don't need to feel bad or have conscience that I'll be hurting em too, maybe I'm actually just useless already and might be better off dead after all ha?
I guess, it seems that way. That kinda hurt and made me happy at the same time lol. Saying such things to people on the edge lol, wondeful.
I guess, I wouldn't still do it, if I were to do something of that sort, I wouldn't be writing here to announce myself anyway. I wouldn't want anyone to know it either. Since nobody really cares, it is best to fade away in the background, knowing that nobody will notice it even, or be affected in any way as well.
Anyway no need to worry about me. I wouldn't write to make people worry about me anyways. You've your own problems, if you ever want to help me find the hot wheels I'm looking for, please so lemme know. I'll be super happy to have em.
After all, that is probably the only tiny distraction I have in my life right now, keeping me sane.
Letting go
June 12, 2018
In sadness and sorrow,
Lay the meek heart,
Sinking in deeper,
Struggling in quicksand
The struggle to be free,
Having adverse effects,
No souls to lend a hand,
No souls to hear the cries
The soul sinks deeper,
Embracing the reality,
There's not much to do,
Letting thy self go.
Loving the pain
June 12, 2018
Maybe I could break away,
Free from all this pain,
Seek out pastures new,
Maybe I could be happy,
Even if just a day,
Doing something different,
Maybe I could let go,
All the pain inside,
Just move on again,
Just maybe,
But I wouldn't do that,
I've started to love this pain,
To be hurt repeatedly,
By one after the other,
By actions or lack of,
By words or by silence,
I'll just embrace the pain,
Let it consume me,
Cause it matters,
Only to me.
Neck deep
June 12, 2018
I am neck deep in this now,
Reaching out and lending a hand,
Might no longer work,
I may no longer accept support,
Maybe I just want to sink,
Maybe I just want it all to end.
Long gone
June 14, 2018
In the wee hours of night,
When the darkness falls,
I used to have an angel,
Watch over my soul,
I remember so well,
All those moments,
I will never forget,
All the times,
And so the story goes on
You've never been gone,
For this long,
Leaving me stranded,
Like a scare crow lost,
I'll never forget,
All those moments,
You and I used to spend,
All those long sweet nights,
And that's how the story goes..
Jamming
June 17, 2018
Was I too happy yesterday,
Jamming away to glory,
With stranger all across the globe,
With no care in the world
Cause I knew this was coming,
This fall from grace,
Into absolute depression,
Sulking in pain
The balance has been kept,
In sorrows and joys,
In longing and solitude,
I fail yet again.
Bhubaneswar
June 23, 2018
3 days here and, this is the last night.
I didn't really know if there was anyone here, so it was a friendless lonely city sort of.
Never really went out if my room either. Sort of a fail, it's a good thing, I didn't even bother to take my camera. That saved me the trouble at least in the airports.
I really wished there was someone here in this city, that I could have met during these last few dull days.
Sadly, I brought along rain with me, as I do wherever I go. It's as if the sky is crying with me or for me and my misery.
Guess, this is the end.
If there was anyone in Bhubaneswar I could have met, I am sorry. I didn't really know what would have happened anyway. And I didn't have the best of times here in any way at all. I sort of failed the whole purpose of my visit. I should have come prepared, instead I knew nothing and disappointed everyone involved as well.
I feel bad, sorta super bad. That at one point I wished it would all end right away.
Ramblings - ii
June 27, 2018
How perfect to be welcomed by a paper like this.
What am I to feel now?
I think I'm really falling apart now.
Almost 6 months now, that's half a year. How long must I wait for you? Are you coming back? Do you miss me? Do you need me anymore?
If someone cared, there would always be a way to concatct, even if it's a minute or maybe borrow someone's phone or anything. How I wished I could, or have a way to contact anyone near you. You've given me no way to contact you. You've left me in the dark of what's happening.
You should have known, how and what all I might think.
Maybe knowing that you'll be here tomorrow, is always the belief that kept me together and strong. Now what am I? Who am I to you?
You've given me no way to contact you, as if I shouldn't or needn't anymore. As if you don't care anymore.
The things I used to think up inside me, like what if anything happened to you or anything. And you have absolutely no idea how happy I felt when you sent a letter that day. I was so happy, but I couldn't feel the same vibe from you.
How can you leave me alone like this and go. I think I'm turning bad now. Losing my true self. Throwing it all away, without giving a damn about anyone anymore. No more feelings. No more people, seems like nobody matters to me anymore.
Why me? Always? I don't know if u can be broken again. Go through it all again. My faith keeps me alive with a faint hope, that'll you'll be here tomorrow.
Why aren't you here?
How I wish you know, how much I miss you.
Guess I taking my mind off the pain by indulging in other stuff, good or bad.
Am I not needed anymore, by anyone.
Falling in love isn't something that comes easy to me and at this rate I'll probably never love anyone anymore.
I really am broken. I can just keep crying over this uncertainty.
People say, you're not coming back. I still choose to believe otherwise. I wonder how much longer I'll have to wait to know, who I really am to you. Do I mean anything to you anymore? Is there a forever waiting for me?
Am I deserted in the dark? Maybe this is what I deserved? Maybe I should have seen this coming?
Everyone leaves me behind and goes. I guess I'm discardable for all. Is that who I am to you as well?
Do you not miss me like before? Did you get used to this feeling of not wanting me anymore?
Now I am broken.
Nobody can save me.
Forget it all
June 29, 2018
Forget the love,
Forget the pain it brings,
All that comes later,
When I've failed everyday,
Even at basic things,
I don't think I'm worth living,
On this cutthroat world,
The way I am.
Fear
I no longer know,
What I really seek,
Pain comes in,
All shapes and sizes,
Dredging me along,
Like a headless beast,
Splicing through,
Splinted heart,
On a journey,
To unknown realms,
Where lies atrocities,
Of immeasurable depths,
Waiting to pounce,
On this vulnerable prey,
Lost and scattered,
Stricken by fear.
Message in a bottle
July 4, 2018
Hello princess 👸,
Since I don't know how to reach you anymore. I don't really know what to do anymore. Before I could or used to keep sending you letters to one of your old accounts, but I guess you'll never ever see them anyway. Last time you showed up for a day, it was from another account anyway. You could actually make a new one and send me a letter at least. It's been 6 months without proper contact now. I had so much to say, the last time you popped up in between, after 3 months of waiting, and now you're gone again and it's been another 3 months and idk if you care anymore. Am I even necessary for you anymore? Wouldn't you try to contact, if you really wanted to? When with parents, I could understand. But when alone there? You still can't? There's no way at all? Is that it?
I no longer know, what I am to you, or for anyone for that matter.
I've always been the one left behind by all. Guess that'll continue on, in my life. But honestly I'm sick of life. I've really had enough of it all. I can't really find any more good reason to survive life like this. I don't really see the point. So there is always supposed to be some greater good, or some end game to it all. What do I have to fight for? What am I even trying so hard for?
Thought I'll be happy with a job, but I've already had enough of it, and just wanna quit already. Possibly quit out on life too.
There are lots of good people around. Lots here for sure and they'll know if they read this. But we are all individuals and have our own lives. Nobody has time for anything other than their own problems, and no, that's not me blaming anyone. It's just a fact, that you have to live with. I really don't know now, what to do. It's true, nobody needs to hear anything from anyone. Why pile it up on them, if they care it'll be bad, if they don't it's okay.
I usually would have sent a letter to you on your id, but idk if you'll ever login in on it, ever. Oh I don't even think you'll ever read this also. Who knows.
I am really tired of this. What kinda relationship is this? Where I am just lost, thinking everyday, that you'll come tomorrow. And it's been 6 months now and it seems like it doesn't even affect you. You could have told me anything. I would have never blamed you for anything. You should have known that. I keep talking to people, but I always feel that I'm committed and you'll pop up now. People say, let go and move on. Yeah right, move on from what? There was no break up in the first place to move on from. I'm still there where you've left me, but more broken n a worse human than I was at that time. I think I'm losing myself and my identity in the process.
It's like me, against the world of nothing. Where nothing matters anymore, nor does anyone mean anything. Can I just quit on life? I hope you won't miss me, if I don't exist anymore by some freak accident or something. If you could manage 6 months, you'll not have much of a problem for the rest of your life.
How I wish I could just throw away my life or donate it to someone who actually needs it, the people begging for live, for some more days. How I wish, I could make at least one lasting impact with this useless wasted life. But alas, there's no such way. I'm no angel to do good to others. I'll probably be as selfish as it comes. I'd never even be remembered for anything, and that's a good thing. I don't really want to be. It'll be easier for anyone to move in that way, just a mere life, or some face they have seen in the crowd. That's all I need to be, at the most.
You know, I've loved you so much. I don't think I'll ever be able to again. If I ever survive, I'll probably not have feelings attached to a heart anymore. I'll have to cut it all off, to leave the pain or live with the pain forever, every single day, for as long as I can last.
I'm as low as I could be. Maybe not yet at the breaking point, where I'll do something stupid.
Thank you for everything, you'll always be loved.
Always
A well wisher
July 5, 2018
Can't do much about it,
Probably not even gift,
The simple thing you've asked for,
Maybe one day you'll get,
Not that I can grant it,
Not that it's in my hand,
Who am I anyway,
Just a well wisher I guess,
Still it's birthday for you,
I couldn't make much there,
Here I put a few lines,
Where it no matter,
Just be happy today,
That's all I ask of you,
Be blessed always,
With love always,
Happy birthday to you.
To little things
When you start falling apart,
When nothing makes sense anymore,
When all you've got is false hope,
When all you do is cling on
To little things,
To memories,
To happy times,
To all we could've been.
Who are you?
July 8, 2018
I'm getting it now,
Why they stray away,
Why good boys go bad,
Why everything changes forever,
Cause why not now,
When nothing matters anymore,
When nobody cares anymore,
When the end is always the same,
Set in stone,
The one called fate,
Where you and I,
Who were meant to be,
Ends up with,
Who are you?
Lost identity
July 8, 2018
Can you save me anymore,
Drunk in your memories, I sink,
Identity forever lost.
Burning out
July 13, 2018
My words carry weight,
Writhing me down,
Pain never ceases,
Till I'm burnt out.
The last page
July 16, 2018
Will life get any better,
Will things be the same ever again,
Of course not,
Who am I kidding,
As if wishful thinking ever helped,
As if what I've wished ever comes true,
Always a let down,
The magic tricks have stopped,
No more rabbits to pull off the hat,
The pitch black bottom stares back,
Awaiting my immediate arrival,
Crashing through it all,
Like a falling star,
Discarded from its mighty perch,
Useless and valueless,
A mighty fall from grace,
The chapter draws to a close,
The last page left unturned.
Uncertainty
July 18, 2018
I'm falling back again,
Sucked right back in,
The void of uncertainty,
That I crawled out from,
Where do I go next,
Do I even need to try,
Haven't I tried enough,
Giving life numerous chances,
To prove its worth to me,
But yet again it's left me,
Disappointed and broken,
Just like before,
I wanted encore,
That's what I got served,
Maybe it's time to let go,
The life that I don't value,
The life you seem to care,
Just let me go,
Back into uncertainty.
You & me
July 31, 2018
I feel a bit broken,
A bit out of place,
Here, where you were,
Where memories float,
Like photographs,
Scattered in the wind,
Evoking memories,
Of days past,
Just you & me.
Frozen
July 31, 2018
When the rain falls,
With no thunder strikes,
Peace in the air,
With a tint of love,
A glimpse of you,
Creates an image inside,
A silhouette so blurred,
Yet it is you, that I see,
Glancing back at me,
With devouring eyes,
Freezing time,
Holding back my life,
Leaving me gasping.
Cranky
I feel a bit cranky,
Don't know who I could talk to,
Though I lend a ear to all,
Nobody wants to hear me
I feel a bit cranky,
I should probably not talk at all,
People are just too busy,
To take others mini tantrums
I feel a bit cranky,
I feel beyond all help,
You don't need to try to help,
When you don't even wanna try.
Why me?
August 6, 2018
I can't say anything, how much you're missed. How much you're needed. I don't really know what I feel anymore. There's just a void, that can't be filled anymore.
People love trying to fill up the void and leave, just like that, making it wider and deeper.
I wonder if I deserve this. Maybe I do, this is probably exactly what I deserve for being who I am. After all, if there's Karma, whatever you're facing is simply the result of what you've done at some point in life.
I'll take all the blame, Cuz I know I'm not so pure enough to, not be punished for anything. Send in more pain, let me be the train wreck that I am, waiting to happen.
Ramblings
August 9, 2018
This hit me like a truck.
A paragraph that spoke exactly what I had in mind for a while, but never quite made it out in the words it deserved to be.
I guess, I'm always gasping for the words I can never spell, the words that always somehow elude me. But these are the words that probably do justice to my thoughts. Maybe I just don't feel good enough, reading my own words, that I always seek inspiration from the same content spelt better by other proper artists.
I'll attach the photo, cause I find really remember the words, nor can I write that much without making a mistake.
But the gist is pretty simple. You're you and only you know yourself, the way you see yourself to be and nobody except you will ever see the version of you.
And my part of this was that, I'm always different to everyone. The way I act around anyone is always a reflection of how you act with me. I don't talk to too many people, nor do I want to. But I am more of reflection of them, except a few things like swearing / abusing & controlling anger and patience and even tolerance.
I don't even need tu look at most people, just 2 weird examples are enough. And I don't even know, how and why I am friends with them, but this is just for the sake of demonstration only. I don't talk much to them, nor daily, but to one, it's like no proper talk, only kinda calling stupid, idiot, dumbass, to and fro. And that's not like the normal calling, I call my friends dumbos anyway, but I don't mean it, except for this one I guess. And the second is, well weirder, no proper conversation, only thing that makes sense will a good morning or good night message, anything in between, if there is will be some random letters throw together, which isn't doesn't even make any sense. Some kinda weird relationships I guess.
And then people judge. I am pretty much you, with a few upgrades on a few things and few disabilities over a few of your strengths. I can't be you, nor can you be me. But I'm a fair reflection of you. And I tend to pick up stuff from people I spend time with, anything. But the end result is always the same. I'll always be the one left behind, for some reason or the other.
Every time I dream of something, and really wish for it to happen. It never happens. Like when I start daydreaming about it, soon it'll come to an end, as if it's never meant to be. That's pretty much me and my wonderful life so far.
Forever alone
August 11, 2018
The peace lies in solitude,
When people desert you for good,
Clutching your pillow,
You cry all night,
Screaming in silence,
Till tears run dry,
Another one bites the dust,
Leaving you stranded,
In no man's land,
The time that was spent,
Sparks constant memories,
You and me, were meant to be,
Was the constant chant,
To destiny I leave fate,
For another miracle,
The fault in my stars,
Was to be forever alone.
Disappointed
August 22, 2018
I no longer seem to have time,
For anyone remotely human,
They keep disappointing,
Every single time,
Holding back feelings,
For reasons best unknown.
Out of words
I'm shorn of words,
Lost for words,
Gasping for breath,
Question self existence,
Of life and death,
Where chaos reigns supreme,
Swaying the nimble mind,
To the extremes,
With no concrete explanation,
To why things are as it is,
Or reasons to cling on,
To struggle some more,
Under constant judgment,
From across the spotlight,
Where the night is grim,
And the silence, bliss.
Blocked
Blocked:
And then nothing matters anymore.
All the things you've done
All the moments you've shared
All the fights you've fought
In the blink of an eye
All that's been good has been undone
The fact of reality can only be this deep
One day can turn it all
Strangers we were
Strangers we remain
The time in between was a myth
For now, you're blocked.
Never ending wait
September 17, 2018
I'd have left this place long ago
I don't have that much to spill anymore
Pain breeds more pain
But one letter can change it all
One letter can make it right
I still wait, for that one letter
A letter from her, saying she's back
Am I waiting for the impossible
Will she come no more
If 9/11 can't be forgotten
Neither can 18/11
I still wait.
Love?
September 19, 2018
After all this time
I'll just forsake love
Shelve it as an idea
Like a perfect theory
That exists in books
Unable to replicate
With 100% accuracy
Home
October 14, 2018
There isn't much left here,
But ruins of broken dreams,
That once shined through darkness,
In this place,
I once called home.
Reality
Oct 18, 2018
It has always been hard. To accept this reality. Where I'd be once again, left all alone. I'd try to be happy, doing things that don't really matter, but still trying to find little joys in insignificant things. Diverting mind was never my forte, but I'd still try. To numb out the pain. The pain that'll never go away.
How long has it been? One month to two? But about half of that's been on my own. So now who am I? In this happily ever after, that never turned beyond first page.
Is this how life always turns out. Is it how good, my life was supposed to be. Is that the best it'll ever be.
Guess this is how life shall be....... Always and forever.....
The one
In the darkest of days
And brightest of nights
There shall be only one
That stands above all
Truly alone
It's the wee hours of night
When everyone's busy or sleeping
That you realise
You're truly alone
Keep writing
Sometimes you just need to write. Write & write and keep on writing, till the ink no longer spreads. The words no longer come out. The weight too heavy a burden to be held together on a piece of paper.
Confession
I can't tell you why,
I'd cry again,
When you fall over,
Wishing days like these,
Come and end like this,
Making no sense at all,
Carving memories then,
Gripping like you're afraid,
To confess your sins,
Every passing day.
Off Track
Things keep going off track,
Off bounds and limits,
After being on the edge,
For time unbound,
Maybe it's time finally,
To put it to rest,
All the suffering,
With an epic conclusion.
Sunday, December 29, 2019
Perfect
Nov 17, 2018
A lot can happen overnight,
A lot can change,
In the blink of an eye,
The battle is lost,
Between life and death,
So the drastic change,
With a year involved,
Should be no shock
You lose all that's yours,
The people change,
The love fades,
The feelings burn,
Down to Ash,
Leaving behind,
Nothing but memories,
What once was,
Perfect.
Peace of mind
Nov 19, 2018
Sometimes all you need isn't poetry, it's not those catchy rhymes that catch you off guard, it's not those heavy complex words that beg you to refer Google for meaning. Sometimes, all you need is just pure raw feels.
This, here, is based on the last letter, more or less. On a more elaborate scale, nevertheless, but with much more of the impure raw substance, that may not please the eyes. But sometimes, that's all you need, or as one that writes down shit, to feel better - that's all I need.
I can split my life into various pieces or categories, which can be classified under various titles. But the most important of them all might be, real & virtual. This again can be dependent on the reader, as it's your perception that comes to the fore here.
The point here is, mainly relating to relationships, be it of any kind. Whether it's love or along the lines of friendships. Real and virtual worlds can have varying impacts and effects. Sometimes, that's better than the best, while sometimes it's not quite enough. On that note, I've never had a girlfriend, on this real plane, but I've had in the virtual plane. This is where it gets tricky and complex. The person is real, the photos are real, the voice is real and heck, even the feelings are real, but we've never seen each other, like ever. That doesn't mean that, nothing is real. Every single thing was real, except the perception of touch. Oh, how a real touch, would have added an extra dimension to this virtual reality.
And, as is the case with all long distance relationships, you never know what's happening on the side of the phone. And they've the privilege to simply vanish off the radar with no trace. It didn't hit me, till a few days ago. With the exception of the one circle of karma, this has been a trend in my life. The vanishing act that people pull off on me. All the way from Z to the Princess, though some people involved were special in a different sense, than that of a lover. They mean so much, that when they vanish you feel pain like nothing else.
But the thing is, I've found the best of friends online, mostly from Orkut and Facebook and then from here in lettrs and a few good ones in HJ. My best friends may remain same, at least in namesake, cause we don't really talk much anymore. But the bonds never go weak between me and them & that's why they are what they are. I may no longer be able to count on them to come through for me, every single time, but they'll be there. I don't really know what to expect from my current set of friends though. They're all nice and all, but I dunno if I have that level of understanding or bond with them. They're there, but I don't really try to talk to any of them on my own, infact I don't really try to talk to anyone anymore. Like I feel so alone & lonely now, though I can reach out to anyone among them, I'd probably choose not to & simply sulk here. I really don't know anymore, what I want or what I expect from this world or life anymore. And as always, I just keep wishing that it'd all end sooner rather than later. I'd rather live on the edge with no care & let it be, and see where this ends up or takes me.
My mind is rather lost now, maybe I'll write more again. Maybe I won't, or rather can't, as the thoughts will be just forever. Not that it matters much anymore.
Lost for words
Lost for words,
Devoid of feelings,
Filled with guilt,
Falling to depression,
Failing to understand,
Searching for light,
Fading to darkness,
The soul cries,
One last time.
Hope & expectations
I'd say expectations hurt,
And I don't expect anymore,
That's just another lie,
I tell myself to feel better,
A lie that can't hold,
When the going gets tough,
And the pieces come crashing down
But is really wrong,
To still wait in expectations,
That a miracle might still happen,
Turning this mess around,
Refilling this emptiness,
With newborn hopes.
Was it love?
Nov 20, 2018
The kind of love, where you don't even like someone at first and as you keep talking, you'd fall in love with them, with everything they say and everything they do. That's what happened two years ago, that was my perfection. The so called perfect fit, the better half. In her absence the soul lingers, and keeps searching for answers. The void is too big now, that the soul tries to find stopgap fixes to these painful wounds, that usually never work out. What's temporary, will always be as good as temporary. You can't fix all gaps, all the time. Sometimes you've suffer, let it run its course and subside on its own.
Can you hold on? When the pain gets unbearable, and kills the soul. Can you keep it up? For better or worse, somethings are just meant to happen, maybe. Or was it the fault in our stars, from the very beginning?
Lights out
There can't always be words that tell the story, sometimes it's lost in the actions & in the actions along the path to insanity. I'm one, who's always lost for words. The feelings keep repeating, again and again, not everyday maybe, but they still do repeat. And yet again I pick up the phone and start swiping or typing or even a mix of both. But no words seem to do justice to the thoughts, or it's intensity in me. It seems like a sharp blade with a blunt tip. The intended damage may not be done, with the limited resources and even smaller set of words.
Is there any glint of hope, or even a false pretense to offer some false hope. Right now, probably not. The lights are out, and even the flickering streets lamps seem to have run its course and worn out for good. As the faint yellow, slowly fades into pitch black, the smile that once used to be, has already turned a frown. Shooting arrows in the dim light used to be easier, when the target was huge, but now its shrunk & I've been blindsided too. What once used to be home, is now in ruins, that resemble a haunted house.
Whatever happens, happens for the best
Whatever happens, happens for the best, right? Though I've never really felt that way, I've always tried to believe in those words & see some hope or positivity out of all the shit that's been happening. Every path you take or decision you make, no matter what the outcome, you gain something. The last 10 days have probably been the best days ever, though it had its hiccups and tiring factor, if I look back at it, it'll be one of the best times ever that I've had. I've pretty much had a solo trip for the first time ever to somewhere outside India, though it made me broke, I guess it was totally worth it. I don't find any point in saving up for a future that may never exist, so might as well do what I can today, for tomorrow I may not exist.
Now to come back to the topic, it'll probably be the fact that, I should be thankful for getting blocked. Although I had planned to meet at least two people in one go, at that time, that never materialised, as you know I got blocked, for who knows what. For once, I'm not gonna dig in or try to find out why, because in a way I'm glad. That void of one, was filled by a few & I couldn't be any more glad. There are more people I talk to now, and not in restricted manner either, but most importantly it'd be Tina & the bloody Beggars, blockers and brokers 😋 they'll know what I mean ( shuda been Josie and the pussy cats xD).
Anyways though, I'd just want to say that, all my closest and best friends are people I've found online, be it Orkut, Facebook, lettrs or now HJ.
I never really want or will have too many, and I'm glad to have quality over quantity always.
I don't really care what anyone thinks, but I learnt a lot these last few days, that I never thought I'd, both good and bad, but it's alright.
I for one, never really go out or have any friends here, well I do go out, but that's only to look for cars or to deliver the cars to pick up spot. No real human interaction, whatsoever. But I could get used to this, I wish there really was someone around here, though obviously there isn't much to do here. So I can say that you'll be missed, I'll have to go back to boring old daily routine.
Might need to meet more people from around the places and go out and do stuff, travel, see places & much more.
But I'm glad, people left me, I hope they're don't way better than they were, when they were adorns me at the very least.
Abandoned path
The sparks were fading,
The lights were dimmer,
The hopes extinguished,
No more light at the end,
No more walking towards hope
And then you came along,
Reigniting that hopeless blaze,
Adding colors to the faded frames,
Instilling renewed faith,
To carry me along this abandoned path,
One last time.
Christmas 2018
In silent nights and darkest nights,
I've been suffering far too long,
For well over a year,
The last best day being,
Nothing more than a faint spark
Here I am now,
Rebuilding and rewriting memories,
With fresh hope and expectations,
With a sense of love,
That may finally outlast me,
Against the ever present tides,
Constantly knocking me down
The beginning
It all started with a small plan. To see someone, to go abroad, to buy hot wheels & most of all, to be free.
I'd remember last year, it was dry, but I got at least a wish on my birthday. This year, I didn't really get even that, but it was far better. I really did plan it that way, that I wouldn't be at home on my birthday. Not like there was gonna be anything special happening if I was there, n not like anything would happen if I wasn't there. Yet I just wanted to be away, and it turned out to be one where pretty much nobody wished, lol maybe because my phone couldn't be reached via network, but still, whatever.
All things that led to this, was probably worth it. So 2018, even though it was not quite the year, I would've wanted till the last month, pretty much made up for it in a single month.
I hope 2019, turns out to be better, for you & for me and whoever is reading this letter.
Wish you all a very happy and blessed New year 🎉.
Done waiting
I will always wonder,
If I should have waited,
But after a year of waiting,
I had to let go,
It was getting really lonely and cold,
And I could feel myself,
Changing for the worst,
Losing faith in love itself,
Unwilling to commit to anyone,
Inspite of mutual feelings,
Cause it never felt right,
Or my intuition was scared,
That I'll be left behind,
Once again,
And so it turned out,
Shattered and broken,
Yet not out of the unexpected,
I was again left for dead,
Only to be found by someone,
Who'd make the darkness go away
No patience
It ain't uncommon to get lost in the wind, with the flow of thoughts leading to chaos and confusion. I've lived in constant fear, of being let down and of being dispensable. I've experienced it over and over, getting discarded like an empty bottle, that's served its purpose and now weighs down as extra baggage. It's okay to worry, but how can you misread the situation and assume stuff, when you don't know anything at all. I write when I'm full, with no outlet, where I can't say anything or do anything at all. It makes no sense, really. Whenever I used to write negative stuff, it's probably just letting it go, since nobody ever has the time for it and I'm not calling for anyone's attention, you'd probably misjudge and I don't have the time to explain stuff to you, when I am already down. Its mostly for someone and only that someone can fix it. I don't want to fight with anyone for no reason. It's not that I can't talk, it's just that I don't wanna talk about it and then let it be misinterpreted and then I'll have to clear it out for you, who may ask. I'm truly sorry, I won't have the patience to sit and explain stuff to people who are unaware, and have a different train of thought to mine. I just don't think a third person can understand, what's going on in between two all the time. So just sit back and wait for me to get back to normal. I'll be fine, I've always been. After all, people just leave anyway. It's nothing new for me.
A tale untold
The petals fall off,
With the fading fragrance,
Along the moments,
That never return,
Resetting the deadlock,
With freshest of starts,
As newness blooms,
Over ageing wine,
To enchnant the spirits,
Once broken for worst,
With spells that bind,
The cracks and pores,
To fit in perfect,
A tale untold.
Your knight
When the sunshine falls down,
I could be your dark Knight,
Drifting through the shadows,
Hunting down the fireflies,
I could be the champion,
Fighting for your last hope.
Restart
Wonder when I wrote something last. Wonder when I felt so numb, not the kind I've been used to, in pain of love dipped in misery. Getting hurt is common in any kind of relationship. And I always have believed that, you can only truly me yourself & express yourselves to the ones you love & love you back. Friends may not get you, friends may not know all the various sides of you, the good, the bad and the ugly. You're different to all your friends, you simply can't be same to people, cause they aren't the same. People react differently to different types of things, in various ways. Nobody wants to hurt anyone with anything. You'll never intentionally hurt anyone, unless it's some vengeful act or you're some crazy psychopath, yet you hurt people along the path unintentionally & unknowingly. And you'll be guilty for the same. You're you, no matter what happens, but you're not you either when things put you under massive pressure and tough spots. So who are you?
I don't really get what is right or wrong anymore. Cause technically nobody is right or wrong. What's right for you may or may not be right for me. Then how can anyone judge anyone based on anything?
As always I've deviated off the path, due to distractions. Maybe I'll write up something when in the mood. I've lost the plot here...
Love is not enough
The words you've said,
Without uttering to my face,
Reflected the feelings inside,
That you've suppressed for long,
A reason to cling on,
Dipped in fake words and feelings,
Not letting you go,
When you've decided to let go
Oh! how he could stop,
Every time I try to snip,
From a relationship so toxic,
Oh how he's available always,
When he feels it convenient,
But not when I need,
I've had enough of him,
Love just ain't enough.
Fighting
Fighting in thy name,
Fighting for your love,
Fighting for attention,
Fighting for anything
We are broken bodies,
Trying to find a cure,
We are broken souls,
That relive the past
Fighting for thy self,
Fighting for the joy,
Fighting for little things,
Fighting for everything
We are split by experience,
Joined by little sparks,
Fighting for something,
We barely could sense anymore.
Clinging on
I no longer understand myself,
I no longer feel worthy,
Begging for love,
That I barely ever deserved,
Clinging on like a leech,
That'll never let go,
With withering hopes,
Of a happily ever after,
With you by my side,
Happy as you once were,
Looking back to those summer nights,
Embracing you like my own,
With a never ending eternity,
Staring from across the horizon,
Where you and I will be,
Entwinted in love,
Through thick and thin.
Unintentionally
Knowingly or unknowingly,
I hurt all who care,
In ways I can't comprehend,
Through words I blurt blatantly
Like a river,
It flows through your soul,
Pierecing like a blade,
Sharper than any you've felt
The intention so pure,
The effect so wrong,
Hurt in misdirection,
A soul weeps again
The fingers always point,
At my nonchalant face,
With or without reason,
I'll be held for treason.
Guilty
I shouldn't feel guilty, should I? But I do, it was only one thing at first and then it magnified exponentially. I shall note this down, cause I'll probably forget anyway. But cause someone got really hurt, and will never forget it, I guess it needs to remain somewhere, where I can keep looking back to, to feel guilty all over again.
So the thing is. I was out anyway on a Saturday. I slept a lot or I did other stuff, like cutting nails and other stuff & had a pretty good, long bath. N I was probably supposed to meet a friend for lunch, but I got super late anyways & so that plan got cancelled. But I had to go to the city to pick up phone from my friend & so I went. It was cloudy all day, and I was scared it'll rain. Anyway, as you know, its been raining in South India non stop & parts of Kerala and Karnataka are already drowning. So a rain is the last thing you want, when you go out. And ya, I'm super broke already, with just 500rs left in account or something, though its just the first week or so.
I had my lunch or brunch or whatever sponsored & in a way, it ended up being the only meal of the day as well. And then some random street walking and window shopping, I decided to call it time and head back home. And that's when I got a text from a friend who was in bangalore, but I had totally forgotten about it. But then when she said something like, "I wouldn't have met her anyway or something, Cuz of some text in group", I was like, what even? Why would anyone take all the rubbish I say so seriously? N that's when I felt really guilty. But I was already in a cab & on my way back to my room, so far far away. And the skies were still scary. I am super broke and can't afford to pay surge charge n all, in Uber :s so I left for home. And obviously since I was feeling guilty, I told the one I could talk to or supposedly tell anything to, that I was feeling guilty and bad that I couldn't meet. And then started the explosion of feelings.
I really didn't think it would hit a nerve. Jealousy is one thing, but meeting a friend, who we both know? I really can't understand why. Bedsides I was anyway on my way home, Cuz I didn't want to be late & thought she'll be waiting for me. Damn, I still dunno what I did wrong there. Lack of trust is one thing, but I really can't say anything about this and what was going on.
Maybe something from the past might have hit her hard. But I never knew & that made me insensitive na. Well, who knew, not much I can do about it now, after the damage is done. I can only apologise, but I guess there's no trust, but I am only sorry for not asking, and for not knowing that it'll hurt. Cuz I'll definitely be sad, if I went to some state and if my friend there couldn't meet me. That's how I see things anyway.
I have anyways, always been wrong I guess.... Maybe someday...
Blocked?
I find it really hard to stay composed and focused to write something, on something. My mind is probably too fickle as it goes astray with overlapping thoughts that never really have a proper bond.
The other day I had a workshop, to help us all get better, or learn something new and useful in life. He was a really good speaker & hit a few nerves along the course of the day.. I don't remember most of it, but a few things were kinda cool. He sure took us on a roller coaster of emotions. Fear, joy and sadness, all of them, one after the other. I'll say one line, whether it makes sense to you or not, depends on what you make of it. What you need is not motivation, but inspiration.
All change, begins with you, inside of you. All you've got to do is find yourself & be the you that you're best.
What is the purpose of life?
In all honesty, I don't know where I or my feelings stand. But for a fact, it's skin deep, dipped in nothing but guilt. I'm no longer sure, what I seek or the damage I can cause.
I am truly sorry to everyone for the pain I bring along with me, dragging along as you try to stick around. Alas, I have lost vision of what's right or wrong. I'm blinded by a false sense of justice & doing what is right. After all, right & wrong are subjective and what's yours may not be mine.
Maybe I just give up too easily. Maybe I just ignore all the things I said I'll do. I'm no longer who I was or who I try hard pretending to be. I'm just a wretched soul, caught up in a world of mess, that I just keep justifying all things I do, with a sense of purpose and rationality.
From my last letter on positive thinking, or whatever I've learned from that workshop. It proved right in front of my eyes, how words spoken in the right manner can light up a person & otherwise can cause the adverse effect. That's what makes or breaks a person. Shower a person with random genuine words of appraisals and watch em glow like the full moon. And thrash em with harsh words, they'll be hit with negativity and they'll clam up into a shell of fear and depression. The more you shower, the more they're affected.
The last few days have been just that. One by one, one after the other, I've been only getting doses of that, from everyone around me. Sometimes it can really be too much, that you'll really be pushed to the edge of tolerance and sanity. Send me on a guilt trip along with that & that's just perfect. I think I still have a bit of composure to breathe and stay alive. But I still ask myself and wonder, for what and for whom?
Questions
So many questions,
So many repetitions,
Yet you'll end up,
Back in square one,
With no concrete answer,
To all questions that pop up,
While you are busy trying,
To make sense of all things,
Natural and unnatural
Someone save me too,
From this endless tradition,
Laid with traps that creep,
Deeper than all you expect,
Sinking per day,
Into depths unexplored,
Gasping for breath,
Till it all ends.
Nobody has time
Nobody has the time,
To stop and take a breath,
Nobody has the time,
To stop and observe,
All the things happening around
Patience is a virtue they say,
A lost one at that,
Those who seek a bit more,
Get lesser and lesser,
While those who don't need it,
Have it aplenty to waste
If only people would look around,
If only people would try to grasp,
How time is essential for everything,
How time makes and breaks dreams,
Maybe, just maybe,
The world would be a better place.
Been in love?
Have you been in love? Do you know what it feels like, when it hurts you from the inside, not because of someone, but cause of your own shortcomings. I would really like to apologise for that.
I used to feel good about myself before, no matter what happened and how lonely I used to be, no matter how useless I felt, at least I used to feel that, I could be really good to people. But I guess I couldn't have been any more wrong.
I can't even sustain a relationship. I've probably felt too much emotions and that I'll be someone who never leaves anyone behind. No matter what ever happens. At least, I used to try to cling on to people as long as I could, till they cut me off by force.
Who am I kidding anyway. I've failed miserably, at each and every thing I've tried to do. All those bubbles I've been living in were probably burst in split seconds. Guess, I'm living a lie, a life built on false hope and delusions.
I'm still not ready, as I thought or imagined I was. I'm not ready for anything yet. Wonder, when I'll ever grow up and be more responsible. Or do I even ever want to be? I really don't know.
Maybe, someday I'll find myself. I just hope it's not a little too late, when I do...
Slow death
Wailing in silence,
Mourning for deeds,
Those that led to demise,
Of thy very self,
After each dip,
In the lake of fire,
Oblivious to the consequences,
By lack of awareness,
Or lack of interest
Leading to a spiral,
Of unending pain,
That slowly consumes,
Every ounce of your life,
Slower than a snail,
Till you start begging,
To be euthanized.
Chained down
So....that's it? That's how you want it to end? All this time, for nothing? Maybe that would have been more apt, if you were asking this after two years, or at least that's what you'd have been repeatedly playing inside your mind on repeat for the past few weeks.
I saw this coming. I actually did, seeing the pressure you're in, seeing how you were realizing things, a lot more recently. It's actually alright though, cause there's nothing to blame you for. After all, we are both old, and reaching certain ages where family expects this and that to happen. I know for a fact that, I've no magic tricks up my sleeve to make your wishes come true in an instant. I was willing to go to different lengths to see to that, the future I saw would someday become reality. But nobody has any time for anything no, n time doesn't wait either.
It would've been nice, if you could have accepted this slow path, with a bit of uncertainty as hurdles, but you're afraid of the ghosts of pasts, coming to haunt you again. I can't give any assurances other than my word, which seems to have no value to anyone. Cause, how can I promise something, when my life itself has so assurance. I can die today or tomorrow or any day in the coming weeks, nobody knows. It's alright for you to leave me behind, just like everyone else, but this time, I won't be as hurt as I've been before, cause a certain part of me is numb after repeats of what has happened over the years.
I love you, and I've nothing but only fond memories of you, and that will keep eating me up from inside, everyday for the rest of my life. Cause, whether you know it or not, I saw my future with you, as a reality more than I've ever felt with anyone else.
Love, I'm really sorry, for hurting you in ways you've never wanted to be hurt. For hurting you so much, over little things & for always letting you down.
I've felt, I've been tying you down a lot, though you wanted something better, though I knew I'll probably never ever be able to make all of your wishes come true. I wish I was a little better....
A new day
It was a dark night,
And I was again a stranger,
I can't believe that,
I've been left starnded again,
Let the rain come down,
And wash away my tears,
I've been crying all night long,
I stopped seeing the light,
That used to be guiding me along,
A new day may not come,
I can't believe I'm here,
After waiting for so long,
Trying to be so strong,
Through good and bad times,
Now it's probably too late,
The feelings you've had are fading,
While I stay here,
Wilting away like a flower,
A new day has come,
Take your step ahead.
Lessons learnt
The only thing I've learnt, over the past few years is that, I've to forgive and let go of things that aren't exactly in my control. People make mistakes all the time, and that's what makes us human.
I can't ever say that, I've never ever made any mistakes of any sort. So how can I ever judge people without ever knowing the circumstances under which they've made their mistakes. Maybe they were out of options, maybe they felt it was necessary, or maybe they were just plain stupid. Whatever the reason, what's done is done. And if the damage isn't as substantial as it may have felt, maybe you can let it be and let it go.
We are only human, living life once. Why keep grudges, which amount to nothing, in the end...
Running away
All this time, I was running away. Running away from people, running away from responsibilities, running away from literally everything. I never wanted to grow up, I never wanted to grow up. Although time has passed, adding numbers to the stat called age, I doubt if I've ever really aged, at least mentally.
I dunno what my status, am I committed or am I single, it's like somewhere in between, with a thread that holds me, from doing anything in any direction. What exactly am I doing with my life? I want to run away from all this shit. I don't want anyone to be even connected to me.
This time when I went home, I was bugged by parents with the obvious time related question of marriage. I dodged them pretty much. I clearly said, I don't want right now. I never believed in this arranged marriage nonsense anyway, ever. I've been witness to far too many failed ones. Why can't you just be with someone you love? Why can't they accept that? Either ways, I'm not ready for such responsibilities yet. I can make babies maybe, but who's gonna look after the family? I can't even stand on my own two feet and you expect me to look after more pairs?
Today, dad called and said something super weird. Like, I've to see people, like Wtf? Lol, they'll proceed to find girls, n I've to come home, just to see them? Lol, what stupid customs.... I'm not up for that & I told, I can't deal with this arranged marriage nonsense & I'll find somone myself xD. It was so weird, how things are right now. My head is about to explode. I dunno what to do with my life anymore. I can't even look after my own stay here, that too in a PG and lol they want me to do what? XD
What a messed up life this is turning out to be. With so much pressure and shit. Can I just run away from all this, to never be found by anyone ever again?
Alone
I'm no saint,
I'm no good,
Please forgive me,
For not being there,
Though I never knew,
What you'd have to face,
In this life of uncertainty,
Wishing for calm,
The twists and turns,
Take you places unexpected,
In a life so meek,
Rendering you helpless,
The cries for aid,
Fall to deaf ears,
You're on your own,
Till world's end...
A place for myself
Today, all I want to do is find a place to sit in peace, with nobody watching, nobody to disturb & cry my heart out silently.
I'm feeling guilty and sorry for all the people who have ever gotten involved with me in some way or the other. I can't really make out, what has become of me. I'm questioning my very existence and purpose of life.
Why do I stand here, at these crossroads, with no answer to any of the questions. What do I want? What do I need? What do I deserve actually? If only I could pick, I would have. But fate may have something in store for me, but if it's not what I want, what's the whole point of trying so hard?
What do you live for? Is it love? Is it food? Is it for fame? Or is it for something else? Do you really know what you want? I certainity do not. I really wish, I could be of help to someone out there. All I really wanted, was to be useful and cherished by someone out there, in this dark, cold world.
I do not deserve love, care, or affection. I do not deserve anything, if the people I love or loved, and cared about are suffering, directly or indirectly due to me. What good am I or my existence, if I've to see people suffer, right in front of me. How helpless can I be, to stand and just watch shit go down.
My mind and judgment are sure as hell as clouded as it could possibly be. I've clearly no sense of direction and purpose. I try to lend a hand, only to get rejected or burnt trying. Please take my hand, and save yourself, even if it means pulling me down. I'm done seeing people suffer, for no sins of their own. Why do people have to suffer like this, when they deserve so much more. After all, life is only one.
I wish, someday, someone will accept me as I am, even if it's just for one last moment, just before my last breath. I don't seek a long life, at least not a life like this, that's as messy as it could get. All I truly ever wished, was to be your one and only, all along.....
Pain
It is always pain that makes me write. It is always pain that fills me up with abundance of emotions. It is when I can no longer take it, that I take up this virtual pen and keep spilling it all out.
I'm overwhelmed with feelings. I don't know what I feel, or what to feel even. I just feel pitiful about my own life. I haven't quite reached anywhere, that I've dreamt of. I've not quite made it there, yet. Will I ever be able be someone who's dependable and reliable to anyone at all.
I've given up all hope, by now. That I can get what I want, since nobody is actually on the path that I chose to tread. If only, I could set things right and have a clearer vision of what I need and seek. Maybe I would've been at a better place, living a life that I've dreamt of. But that's just wishful thinking, as nothing shall ever happen in this life, that's constantly subject to obstructions of a higher scale than that I can ever overcome....
Right or wrong
I'm in a state of fix,
Trying to find a way,
Past all these obstacles,
Popping up day after day,
Hindering the slow progress,
That life used to offer,
In bits and pieces,
With no way to vent,
All the mist that clouds,
The very sense of judgment,
Be it right or wrong
I've lost it all,
In this restlessness,
Day and night,
Engulfing all thoughts,
Pressed hard by stress,
From all sides,
To choose from them all,
What would eventually be,
My right or wrong.
Why marriage?
I still seek answers. If only I had time to figure things out better, with a little bit of space. If only I had time to analyze things and sort myself out.
What do I need? What will I get?
Oh man, somebody shoot me!! Stuck in between the devil and the sea, ain't I? No amount of advice is going to save me or calm me down right now. For what I need the most now is, clarity and nothing else & what I have is, anything but.
How do you people even cope with the pressure of marriage anyway. Lol, when you are so against the whole stupid concept of arranged marriage and your parents are like, we will find for you xd. I can't believe that, we are in this 21st century and still being subject to that. Why can't people see that, you're someone else's boyfriend or girlfriend, and they also will be having their own. Why split apart people, and force them into something they don't want & then pay the price. It's not your life on the line, but your child's. What if the marriage fails, then what? Your son or daughter be forever branded as a person whose marriage has failed, and the fault will obviously be pinned on them. Is that what you want for your child? Is that your dream, your karma?
Why, why why? Why can't people just think a bit. Why does everything have to be, for the damn society. Am I just a robot, or am I just a pawn? Isn't this my life too, or do I have no say in it? If that's the case, then it's there any point in living at all? Why can't I just put a full stop to it, and end all this suffering, once and for all? After all, I don't seem to find any sort of significance to my life, or any of my own damn wishes and dreams. If I'm gonna be a caged bird, I might as well jump into the fire willingly to free myself eternally. Total liberation, at all costs.....
Flaws
I can't put this out,
The flames of flaws,
That engulf me now,
Chipping in soft,
With some guilty conscience
The soul is weighed down,
With thoughts haywire,
Who do I approach,
To flush it all,
In a full swing
Oh, someone save my soul,
Someone hear my plea,
Lead me out,
Lend me an ear,
Oh, someone out there.
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