Monday, January 16, 2012

Is it me

                      Is it you or is it me was the question. I have no clue. But time has passed quite a lot now. I have only myself to blame for what has happened and what is happening now. Nothing can be done about it now. The past shall never come back again to allow itself to be changed all over again, so better live with the fact that you are responsible for what you did to yourself. Life as a student has never been so good for me, ever since the first time or the only time I switched schools. It changed  me completely from an outgoing and rather friendly kid to a hostile and hidden boy. Maybe it was a little too scary for me since then. Had enough of being bullied so always kept my distance from everyone. The first time I chose to trust someone with something, my trust was broken within minutes. Never again did I feel so secure there. Kept my distance from all. Who ever knew me there, in that school. How close was I to you anyway. What do you remember about me anyway. I guess there can be nothing. You would barely even remember my presence. I hated attention, hated the spotlight. Never wanted to be someone looked upon.
Never wanted to carry the weights of expectations. I became so, thanks to the opening days. I wasn't even worth being a friend was I. I guess not.

                The ones who were close atleast a little bit , kept going farther away with time, maybe cause they found better friends. I shall not blame them for what happened was all because of me and my nature. Silence was my best and only attribute. Used to be known for that only by the teachers. A voice unheard, unfelt, even the presence unknown. I remember the PTA meetings where teachers used to tell dad , "This kid's presence in class is unknown", ah something like that. Well I was pretty happy to hear that thou. Atleast I wasn't disturbing anyone. But well for a child that's pretty much not so natural, but I din't realize that then. It was pretty much a blessing to be mum and not respond to stuff that I shouldn't. it thou led to loneliness. But loneliness was my true teacher, taught me how to observe others, their behavior, and stuff like that. Learnt to be silent and listen to what people are saying, trying to analyze and understand what they mean and the possibilities of what they could've meant.

            Loneliness never hurts when chosen by oneself , but kills when granted by force, ain't that so right. At time people choose to be alone, but I never had much of a choice anyway and I never did feel the need to break out of the loneliness back then. I have changed a bit now anyway, thanks to this college, if it were in any other college I would've change a hell lot more for sure. Ah well , never mind, I brought this onto myself by my own actions , a little bit over confidence and lack of interest got me here. But have I changed so much in my looks that people don't understand me now? Last time well , that was different, I might have been looking different but now? Ah who knows maybe it was just me after all thinking that I still look the same and feeling ignored cause they don't mind me. Maybe I changed that they fail to recognize me now after all its been quite some time. So was it me or was it them after all.......

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