Ever since I got into day shift, I've been finding it pretty hard to find time to write up something. Even when some thoughts flash by, I fail to retain them to pen them down. Seems like I've lost the edge to write anymore. Can't get hold of any words that actually reflect the thoughts, or have they actually dried up from too much exposure to sunlight in this barren desert of life? I've got no clue as to what has happend to me over the past couple of months, seems like all I've written well came out due to the soaring flames inside me, which seems to have died out now. Those strong feelings seem to have retracted and I no longer seem to feel or ponder over those matters no longer.
The feeling of love and emotions have died in me, I no longer feel sociable even on social networks, I finally got off the addiction of being with friends, is it good or bad I can't judge anymore. I just have lost the edge all of a sudden. Pretty tough to get attached to anyone, or rather I keep my distance from people now at a higher level. Seems like I'm pushing myself away from the social community and putting myself back into the dark pits from where I once rose out bright and loud. I'm turning mute now the the voices I hear all around. No longer able to express what I feel , or too scared to type anymore fearing the blunders that I may make that may ruin any reputation that I've had, if at all I had any that is.
I am now swallowed by my own fear, fear of the world, fear of rejection, fear of failure. And deep down inside, all I feel is that I'm losing my edge, or rather have lost the edge already. And since I don't want a repeat of the past, which still keeps haunting me time and again, I try keeping myself off the streets of joy fearing a fatal accident with sorrow. I no longer can express what I really fear, to anybody anywhere, or even on the blog. I started writing to be heard, now something inside doesn't want myself to be heard out. Nevertheless I'll put this up, trying to overcome the worst.
The thought of not having anyone nearby who knows it all keeps killing me inside, and makes me wonder, why I am the only one who doesn't have anyone to share anything with? I can never tell anything to parents cause they still won't get it. In fact I've never stood against their wishes on big life affecting decisions have I? Who ever wanted to be an Engineer in a country full of engineers who find it hard to get a job? The state has gotten worse now, with every guy you turn to being an MBA graduate, where do I stand now? Nowhere, I still haven't cleared my papers, the only relief is having a job, which may have had some role to play with the papers piling up.
Having a job is one thing, have a degree is another. There are people with the certificate going from door to door in search of a job and then there is me, who got a job without getting the valuable certificate, which still makes me just a high school student, for thats all I got to show. If only I could go for the animation course that I wanted to complete, who knows where my future lay? Atleast would have been happy with any job related to it, not that I'm not happy with my present job, which I am actually cause programming has always been my better side. But then again I've lost the edge to write, to communicate, and even the will to express the feelings within the heart.
I may not have had a hard life after all, in fact I'm living an easy life compared to all those people who barely get a time's meal for themselves. The fact that I'm blogging itself is proof that I'm in a way better state than half the world. And with dad taking up too many loans just for our sake and our bright future, I should atleast be of some help in helping him clear the debts. But with the present job and the salary offered I know I can never match even the huge interests to be paid each month, let alone my own expenses, the only way I found to save money is by spending less on food, cause travel expenses can't be cut all the time.
I want to do much more, I really wish I could do something to help,but seems like the wish will remain a wish in my mind, and never be put to action, the same way I end up with every single venture I take up or plan in my mind. Is it lack of courage? I guess not, am I afraid of something or someone? I still don't know, but I definitely do fear failure, I am afraid to take that all important step forward that may determine the future. In fact being single, I don't have any extra expenses than on myself. But I'm too wasteful with the resources I've got, I don't utilize what I got and end up wasting stuff and precious resources. I know I could do much more, but there is something that's lacking, the will , the determination to move forward, I just don't know why I'm not determined yet? The missing ingredient to the unvanquishable flames that burn on for ever, what is it? Why can't I just find it sooner?
Fear has taken me in, fear of each and every single thing. One that prevents me from making close friends with the fear that I may loose them one day and will cry over it. The fear of falling in love, fearing that they may ditch me one day cause I may not live up to their expectations. The fear of me myself going wild and acting weird when put under a considerable amount of pressure, blurting out the truth with no regard as to what the listener may feel. Words spoken out sharp that slices through them, showing no mercy whatsoever. I fear myself the most and I'm definitely losing the edge to write out like how I used to once, simple, true and reflective of my emotions. That I've lost now, in the darkness of my mind, maybe forever.