Thursday, June 13, 2013

The Blogger

                    "170+ posts huh? And most of them don't make any sense anymore....". When I'd started writing, the state of mind I was in was completely different to what I'm in now. In fact, most of the early ones that none's read were written as Notes on Facebook, back in those days, when I still had my best phone with a normal keypad. Times change and you have to adapt to it, so its no longer with me and as the whole world has now moved into the ,"Touch this, Touch that ", smartphone generation, so have I. With the phone went the perfect typing, the perfect companion with whom I could freely express the rarest of the words which I could glimpse. Typing has never been fun on a touchscreen, and you'd need an iPhone or something of equal standards to get the best of touch, but still nothing comes close to that of a physical number-keypad.

                               "You should get into blogging....", a friend said to me when I was in school. I knew I was not so bad with the language, and I had more affinity to English than any of the Science subjects, which I started screwing up badly ever since they decided to split it into three.And of them all, Physics was my arch-nemesis, right from 8th grade. I used to be near perfect in Math till upto 10th grade. It was not to be so from the next year on, more tuitions thanks to Entrance preparation coupled with bad teaching or un-interesting teachers in school, compounded the misery on Maths, and my favorite subject was turning to the other extreme. The Sun was setting, but the moon had to rise, under the shades of the light cast by the Sun with exuberance rose a New Moon, shining like a new star in the sky, spreading light that could rival the Sun. Thus English rose from nothing to one of my best.

                                Along the path, I did get misled, the curios nature of the child in me wanted to explore the world, and I lost my way thenceforth, seeking the sparkling miracles of life.

             I've never resisted anything really, except for my incredibly awesome and picky eating habits, that parents told me to, but that wasn't the case now. For the first time, I really told I don't wanna do this, I knew I would never make it, that engineering wasn't for me, for I loved animation. But I couldn't change anything, guess what was meant for me couldn't be evaded, destiny? Fate? Who knows.

                 I lost track of myself yet again, for the pursuit of the truth was never fulfilled in my previous quest, for it faded off in some fashion that no one ever noticed it. There was no pain, the most important lesson to be learnt, at least not just yet. How long could I go on without feeling that? Not too long, how could it possibly leave me alone, when the rest of the world has, is and will be experiencing.So I too had to be a part of, otherwise it just wouldn't make any sense anymore. There I was, where I wanted to be, experiencing the best feeling in the world, at least till that point of time. But as the story of my life goes, with great happiness follows great suffering.It didn't take too long for the other half of life to show up, the one thing I've been missing all this while, cause I was always in solitude and numb to that feeling, the feeling of pain.

                       That commenced the birth of a new Blogger in me. A dreaded poet was born out of pain. The best of me shows how long I've lived on feeding on those feelings, that just wouldn't let me go. Life as a whole was crumbling right in front of my eyes, and all I could do was stand there and watch it collapse bit by bit, for this shack of mess was beyond repair.

                        "Just look the blog now, would you? What a total mess it is now, just like me..". I've lost my way again, I've lost the feel in the words, it just isn't happening anymore. Have all the feelings burned out now? Or have I turned immune to the everlasting pain, that I can't feel it anymore? I've lost the art of writing completely in the process, trying to please the readers with my words, that I completely forgot the feel in it. The fact that even I don't have the feel good factor in what I write nowadays is an iterating testament to what I've turned into now. Everything that I've done reflects back as a mistake, turned more of a jack of all trades, but a master of none. I've lost myself somewhere, that even I don't know what it is that I seek anymore to drive me on ahead. Guess I'll by stuck with a "nearly-" tag, like a nearly-engineer, nearly-blogger, etc. For I never do give it my all to anything it seems. The path ahead sure looks dark, and I seem to be running out of candles to lead me out of this pitch black. I no longer see the day where I could rightly proclaim that "I've made it!". I'm that nearly person who loved doing everything but never actually finished doing anything, photographer, blogger, engineer, lover, and most of all a "liver" of life.Ever so knowing that "You only live once".

                   The blogger in me that was born with the feelings of pain is dead now, as the feelings have numbed now, leaving me more or less "Just another blogger" on the internet.

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