Wednesday, April 23, 2014

Fireball of Negative Energy


Warning!!! There's so much negativity in this post. If you can't handle nonsense I urge please leave immediately, this ain't for the meek hearted. And I don't want anyone complaining either for wasting their precious little time.

       Oh yeah!! That's what I am right now. A fireball of negative energy. That too volatile. People should just distance themselves if they don't wanna get hurt. After all you cant just go and touch a fireball and expect not to get burnt, can you? The negative energy emanating from me is so strong that even I'm scared. Feels like its eating away on me from the inside. I just can't understand why? Have I totally lost cause now?

                   It was only on Sunday that I actually talked someone for the first time. You could say after a long time, and pretty much a long call after ages. And talked for the first meant, talking to her for the first time. Just another random stranger I just had a casual chat with. But that talk kinda endeared me to her, there could be lots of factors involved. Firstly, she spoke so much that I just had to speak something back in return and it was pretty comfy. Secondly, shes pretty much engaged, so I could just talk freely without giving much of care as to fear whether I would fall in love, or she would. You must be thinking I'm pretty crazy to be overly cautious about things like that. But I have my own reasons, something of a nightmare that still haunts me, and still manages to prevent me from being that happy go lucky guy. I may not be a Jain, but I still don't want to hurt anyone, well I do eat Chicken and kill mosquitoes if they bite. That aside, I don't wanna hurt anything alive. Especially not people, strangers or enemies, that should pretty much give the right emphasis on how much a friend means to me, maybe, maybe not.

                     I've made a couple of friends over the past few weeks and I've even talked to a few of them over the phone. Although that didn't make much or mean much especially cause, one was pretty much like me, and giggling all throughout just like me, and the other well pretty much sums up my other trait of not talking at all. If you don't talk, you just can't get me to talk. And above all that I never talk to people only these days, be it on phone or in real life. Maximum a few words with mom and dad, for that matter everyday since I'm at home. If I go back to PG, even that won't be regular.

             I was just trying to analyse, what this signifies. Feeling super guilty for I have no idea what. Maybe cause I cut the call without telling bye, or maybe cause I bothered to call after a while to check if she got home? Or was it the random dumbness I typed on WhatsApp, after all I chat better than I speak. Oh I'm loosing out on chatting too. Now I pretty much suck at it too, that I can't strike up a conversation with anyone. And I've been feel the widening distance between me and all my friends too. After all, if I had someone to talk to, I would've never let this fireball of negativity grow so huge that it's starting to leak out of control. I'm getting consumed by hate, hate for myself. I still have no idea, why I'm like this. Maybe if a few friends read all this nonsense, they'll ask me if I'm mad, well am I? Is that how you feel? Then maybe I am? I have no idea, as what it is being crazy and being normal.

             I've always tried to fit in everywhere I guess. Tried to adjust with almost everything, unless it involves food. I totally hate vegetables and all those South Indian meals, yeah even the ones served during traditional marriages. Oh yeah, I maybe born and be completely from here only, yet I can't tolerate that, if kinda makes me puke, the smell and the taste. So I would rather urge you not to try to force me to have those kinda stuff, because I get weird sensations in my head and I'll most probably puke it all out.Of course trying to fit in is something, but being frank and straight forward never let go of my side. One of my friends once said, I always sugar coat everything, maybe I did? I always spoke the truth, as how I felt it, but maybe back then I used to say it in such a way that it never hurt anyone. But that's not the case now, I'm too blunt. I speak straight forward and so blunt that I don't even know what kinda impact it has on others and I don't even realize if they get hurt or not until its too late. So being around this burning fireball of negative energy can only be harmful to you.

                  I thought I could use a girlfriend, but maybe I was wrong. All that I was looking for was actually a friend, one with whom I can just be myself. One with whom I can just hug tight and cry out all my heart, without having to bother how he/she might feel, without ever being stopped halfway in my tracks of what happened. There used to be people, but guess they all got too busy with life and have their own set of troubles that I can't afford to offload an extra dosage of negativity on top of them right now. Oh, how I wish I had someone who would soak up all my rubbish without battling an eyelash. Oh, how I wish I had a friend, not for namesake, but in actual meaning too. And to make matters all worse, I don't have even a glimmer of hope that I'll get a friend like that, I've been so consumed by negativity that I feel hopeless and no reason in life itself. Why do I have to live like this? Who am I even living this miserable life for? Is my guilty feeling for having hurt her cause of my desperation to have a good friend? Or is it because I really don't know why all of a sudden I'm getting the cold shoulder? I've so many questions, but I don't think I'll ever find out an answer, after all I've only myself to confront, only myself to talk to. Always been that way, and pretty much seems to continue that way. 

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