"You don't talk much do you?" he asked. And all I could do was just smile back, accepting the reality of me. Why is it that so? I could chat freely with anymore on all those chatting apps or Facebook for that matter. And if I look at the present situation, I'm getting bad at socializing even though the so called social apps. And just when I thought I could turn all that energy I have in chatting into real life conversations as well, I'm starting to fade out there as well. So what actually happened?
I'm still wondering what went wrong. How I could have become so much of an anti-social element, when I know that I could have been so very different. As I try to build a bridge and link up all the events, all I can see are the two sides of the bridge. Where I used to be, and where I am now.
I don't really like the idea of putting this out, but nowadays I don't seem to have anyone to share anything with either. Not that I have nobody, it's all changed. As you know people change and all with passing time. I no longer know whom to talk to, for every other time, I seem to end up upsetting the one I really want to talk to. How things used to be between us, and how things are right now? I no longer no know what to tell or ask, for you no longer seem to want to tell me anything. I used to pull it all out of you back then, but now I just don;t seem capable of doing so without putting you in utter gloom. And on top of that you don't think you should tell me, or that I would understand it anyway right? How far we've distanced. I see it clear, this isn't what I wanted, but is something that I've always feared. Loosing someone is far too much for me to comprehend. I didn't even want love to come stand in the way and split us apart. Not that i couldn't see the love, just that I didn't want anyone getting hurt anymore, be it you or me. I had put my faith in long distance once, for it just to be shattered to crumbs, and so did you. I consider trust, a far more assuring thing to have than love, that has been far taken too lightly as a namesake.
its all just lust,
its just a show off.
I cant't be one,
Just like them all,
To blend with the flow,
Of timely change.
That was pretty odd, that I had to write like that, would've been odder if I had written those lines out flat. I've pretty much lost the will to look beyond the past. I no longer have a clue what is going on, or what may happen in time that's yet to come. Everything's turning far to poetic right now, I came to write something and it seems I've diverted like always. These wandering thoughts fill up my mind, leaving no space for some useful thoughts to sit for a while.
Leaving the thoughts of her behind, maybe one of those reasons that I talk lesser even on chats now. And knowing and experiencing the fact that no one will miss my presence if I just get washed off in a whim, except maybe my parents, that too cause they're my parents. I've always been the calm and patient one, at least most of the time I am. I've forgiven people for all that they've done to me, even if it was the maximum possible damage they could inflict on me mentally. I just let it all go. After all they are my friends and if I don't stoop down before someone who doesn't bother to budge, there would be no end to it. I accept my mistakes and apologize. I do tend to be clumsy most of the time. I don't follow up on all the action, because I've never been exposed to them before. And I've always felt that there's something lacking in me, that just always puts me off from the rest. I just don't get along well with anyone do I? Is it cause I don't open up anymore to anyone? If so, why can't I? Maybe trust issues, maybe I just don't feel comfortable with anyone at all. Will that actually make me #foreveralone in all senses? Even if surrounded by a couple of so called friends, who know nothing about me, and seems like I don't know anything about them either. I just don't speak at all do I. I have no clue as to what I have to speak, when to speak what and those situational stuff. All in all, I suck at being human.
And at the other edge of the bridge, I see a completely different me. All I can remember now is that I used to have a couple of great friends back then. Boys and girls, full on fun with them. Playing games, fighting, and what not. It all changed with a change in scene, that change of school which changed me forever. I don't remember making good friends out of anyone except the ones who sat next to me in class. And even out of them very few seem to be even of the fringes of a so called in touch.
Why me? Why do I have to be like this? I feel pretty useless right now. Even though people who know me well, know me better. I don't feel the need for anything. I don't make phone calls anymore. In fact I no longer know why people call others. All that coupled with some incidents, have made it all the more harsh on the nature. And the smartphone has become just a smart device for me. In fact I would no longer care if it had no signal anymore if it could just grab some 3G out of thin air or something. Such has been the plight of me, that I see nothing bright anymore. I just end up wishing, wishing for a lover, wishing for a friend like the ones I see in movies. Wishing for all the impossible things in life. And I don't even think I'm putting a foot forward in the right direction anymore. It doesn't seem like I would be comfortable in jobs that involve a lot of talking do I?
Having a thousand friends on Facebook doesn't solve anything. I just barely know them. And do they know me? I wonder. And with the change instilled in people over time, I've pretty much lost a couple of friends who I thought were very good buds. Along went a part of my faith in humanity as well. People tend to go away, don't they. You can't stop it, and you've go to accept it don't you? Seems like I just can't get myself to accept the reality that they're gone and are no longer coming back. For every chance I get, I try to drag them back into my life. But do they care? I suppose not, they've moved on after all. When you get better friends, those with similar wavelengths, you'd tend to get along better with them. I should of course not let this affect me, but the more I think, the lower I fall into the depths of loneliness. People can of course, come and tell you're not alone. At least best friends will, but the fact of the reality is that, you're way too far away to make me feel any better in real life, than just comfort me for a little while. Maybe, just maybe if I had at least one of you hanging around me, it would've been different. Maybe I would've changed and become better socially. For I don't see myself making such awesome friends outta anyone anymore. For I just don't talk much anymore, I rarely make friends out of strangers nowadays, they rather tend to remain as acquaintances rather than turn into good friends. I don't blame any of them, it's all just me. I just don't seem so interested in anything anymore or so, I think that's the kind of aura that's emanating off of me. All in all, I just feel like another brick in the wall.